ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Another rant

You know what really pisses me off? Smug parents. Mothers (and to a lesser extent fathers) who bombard you with parenting "tips" whether you want them or not. These parents are the ones who discuss childrens television shows based on it's educational content as oposed to it's entertainment content, they force recipes that they spent 4 hours researching and another 6 hours working out how much salt is in it down your throat, they're the ones who watch you interact with your kids and then approach you with a "hey, I saw you just then, why don't you try [insert some puritanical idealistic idea that'll never work for you here] you might find it will make things a lot easier, ho ho ho!"


Seriously. The next time someone comes up to me when I'm in the park with my kids and suggests I start picking up every leaf and twig I find on the ground because "the kids might like to play with them, they come in handy for so many things you know..." I'm actually going to swing for them. I'm not kidding. Honestly, who wouldn't look like a weirdo scouring the dog-shit covered park floor for dead leaves and shoving them frantically into their pockets while some children, presumably theirs, run around in the aforementioned dog-shit without looking where they're going?? I'm sorry but I love my kids, but not THAT much. If they want leaves then they can go into the bloody garden and get them themselves.

These smug parents are also the ones who will chatter on for 2 hours about how they only buy organic food these days because little Tarquin deserves superior foods... Now I'm sorry, but I'm a mum of two. One is 2 years old (going on 13) and the other is 7 months. The 7 month old is crawling and pulling himself up into a standing position on EVERYTHING whether it's stable or not and I just don't have 4 hours to spend scouring my home town for superior organic foods and, come to that, neither do I have the 5 hours spare it takes to prepare a 4 course organic meal. If I'm tired/busy I will make the boys beans on toast for dinner. They don't care, it's warm, it's filling and it tastes good, as long as they're eating they don't care what it is! I don't do it every day, I prefer them to have a balanced meal but sometimes I'm so rushed off my feet that I don't get to sit down until after they've gone to bed. I write this blog during their naptimes, in between doing the washing, the dishes and general tidying up because by 8pm my brain has stopped working and I'm running on adrenaline and auto pilot.

I have nothing against the type of parent thats organised and can somehow juggle a perfectly tidy house, fantastic meals and wonderful children, but I'm not like that and I don't need little "tips" about how to do it shoved down my throat. I live in perpetual mess, I eat beans on toast and my toddler ocassionally says the F word if he thinks I'm not listening and can't tell him off, but honestly, I like it this way!

Do you know what makes me angry?

I mean really REALLY seethingly pissed off? Makes me sick to my stomach? American remakes of british television shows.

Yeah you read that properly.

I've just read that there's a possibility of  Misfits being remade for american audiences and it makes me want to cry, throw up and punch a random american person. Not necessarily in that order. Misfits is one of my favourite shows at the moment, not only is it (in my mind) named after one of my favourite bands, but it's about a group of, for want of a better word, chavs. Yeah chav culture annoys me but these chavs have character depth which is more than the ones I actually know have. Anyway, these chavs are all on community service when they get hit by a storm and get super powers. Lets see what wikepedia has to say about it...

"Misfits follows five early-20s delinquents on community service in Wertham who are caught outside during a thunder storm and acquire special powers. Kelly gains the ability to read the thoughts of others, Curtis can rewind time when experiencing an immense sense of regret, Alisha sends people into a sexual frenzy when they touch her skin, and Simon can become invisible. Seemingly left unaffected is smart alec Nathan who, in the final episode of the first series, discovers he is immortal."

Yeah that about sums it up.  It's an awesome show and the one liners and over-blown yet seemingly plausible sitations always have me on the edge of my seat with my hands over my mouth stiffling down giggles or shock. The episode I watched last night had me almost in tears for example. Britiain doesn't have a lot going for it anymore, most of the world can see what a hellhole it's turning into, especially the way it's becoming a police state, yet the one thing that shines out like a beacon is british writing, especially on shows like this. Brits have a way of creating characters that the audience can really identify with. We can understand how they feel when an undesirable situation comes along, we can laugh with them and we cry with them.

Misfits isn't the only show that may be getting a makeover however. Another british classic Being Human is apparently being remade, this show, about a ghost, a vampire (the good old fashion blood drinking murderous kind, not the shiny emo fairy kind) and a werewolf are all trying to live normal lives in suburbia without being discovered, is another example of fantastic british writing. I have followed this show since the begining and I am eagerly awaiting the 3rd series, especially after the ending of the 2nd. Both of these shows, if done right, could be a hit in america and possibly be more successful than they have been over here, however if done wrong, they could end up like the remake of Life On Mars, which apparently bombed abysmally. To be honest I was thrilled when it didn't work, the entire concept of Life on Mars was far too british to ever succeed. We seem to forget that although we speak the same language and we share a lot of the same brands, America and Britain are two very different places with very different cultures and writing a story about a chav with superpowers may not be understood over there as it is over here, thats not to say that the americans wont get it or that they're not smart, I'm just saying that a chav is a british invention and we understand entirely what they are and how they behave. I just don't think that it will carry over well. The failing that Life On Mars had was that it was also too british. The character of Gene Hunt, for example, was a typical mancunian 70's copper. In the first series it's shown how he takes bribes, drinks on the job and isn't afraid of "roughing up" a suspect for information. His character changes throughout Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes (the final 3 series which were set in the 80's) and he stops taking bribes, stops drinking on the job... you see the other side of him and you see his insecurities and you (particularly if you're female) fall a little bit in love with him. This is a fantastic example of british writing at it's best. The show didn't go over well in america because they have a different kind of law enforcement over there. To use more shows as an example, where we had The Sweeney, they had Starskey and Hutch. Very different.

Ocasionally you'll get a british show remade for american audiences that turns out to be a hit. The Office was never that popular over here but it seems to have really taken off over in the states and the few bits I've seen with Steve Carrel in it have actually been quite amusing. However office humour IS something that can be carried over, chav culture and old fashion policing however, cannot. I am also worrying about another show that I love, The Inbetweeners.

The Inbetweeners follows the life of posh teenager Will, and three of his non-posh friends, Simon, Jay and Neil, as they learn (by experience mostly) about actions and consequences, life and love. It's cringe making, it's uncomfortable and it's funny as hell. I'm having trouble working out how that can be taken over the pond without losing any of it's core Inbetweeners-ness.

I know I should be optimistic about these shows being remade for America but it just gets to me that they have to be remade at all! I mean surely America has enough tv shows to be getting on with, they don't need any of ours! They don't need to keep remaking everything as it comes out for us, they grabbed and destroyed good films like Death At A Funeral and Let The Right One In and there was no need to. Let The Right One In was a 2008/2009 film and didn't need to be remade so quickly. I mean yeah ok, it had subtitles but surely thats not a bad thing?

In my opinion these shows should be shown in America as they are. No remakes. If we can get the american sense of humour (Friends, Big Bang Theory, My Name Is Earl...) then surely they can get our sense of humour? By remaking everything it makes us assume that americans are stupid, dumb or worse. It does no favours to anyone. I know that the majority of America is intelligent, I know that they're not all god fearing hillbillies who cant hold down jobs and sit on the lawn all day eating alligator meat and polishing their shotguns. I know this, but the current craze of remaking every damned film or tv show that Britian or even Europe makes is starting to make me doubt what I know. So come on america, prove me wrong.

And now I have one thing left to say.


America, keep your hands off my television.

Top 10's?

So a little while ago someone asked me who my top 10 men were in any genre. Being the massive geek that I am, I chose the only logical thing and went for sci-fi. However this was harder than I thought it would be, I don't usually find people attractive on appearance alone, I need to know the person before I can start to like them in that way, so I had to adjust my thinking slightly. This took time lol But we got there and now I have a top 10 sci-fi men list. However, I felt it a little unfair to just have men, so I also have a top 10 sci-fi women list after the men.

10. David Duchovney - Fox Mulder. X-Files.
When I was little I adored The X-Files and of course I had a huge crush on the male lead, then as I hit my late teens my tastes changed and he got older and I just didn't like him the same way anymore, however now I look back and remember what it was I liked about him so he now has a comfortable place in my top 10. Just.

9. Michael Beihn - Kyle Reese. The Terminator.
This is another childhood crush, I first saw Terminator when I was about 10, considering this film was made the year I was born it was already 10 years old by then, watching it now at 26 years old, it has stood the test of time and the part where Kyle explains how he's only ever known fighting, never been with a woman before still makes me go "aaaw" so he gets a spot at number 9 in my list.

   

8. Michael Shanks - Dr Daniel Jackson. Stargate (TV Series)
Yet another childhood crush, apparently this series started in 1997 when I was 13, the only time he looks attractive in my opinion is when he's all geeky and nervous so here's a picture of him in glasses!

7. Alan Tudyk - Hoban 'Wash' Washburne. Firefly / Serenity.
Any man who can make a ship dance and plays with plastic dinosaurs within the first 10 minutes of the pilot episode of one of the best sci-fi programmes to ever get axed by Fox gets a definate position in my list.

 6. Harrison Ford - Han Solo. Star Wars.
I couldn't do a sci-fi mens list without Han Solo, the man oozes manliness and I doubt that any fangirl would kick him out of bed if he still looked like that!

5. Jamie Bamber - Captain Lee 'Apollo' Adama. Battlestar Galactica.
This guy isn't to my normal tastes but he is good looking and a very good actor, I didn't even realise he was english so he gets number 5 :)

4. Nathan Fillion - Captain Mal Reynolds. Firelfy / Serenity.
This man does not suffer injustice, he makes a living any way he can and he looks out for those that he holds dear, he enjoys winding people up and he has some mighty fine guns. His crew would die defending him and he would do the same, he commands loyalty through experience and with his one liners and shiny outlook on life he earns himself a nice middling spot in my list :)

 3. Adam Baldwin - Jayne Cobb. Firefly / Serenity.
It was very difficult deciding whether Jayne should be 3rd or 2nd, I love him, he's gun happy just like I would be! He gets number 3 purely because I have to base this on looks alone :-/

2. Tamoh Penikett - Captain Karl 'Helo' Agathon. Battlestar Galactica.
This man is like a god to me. I say no more. It IS difficult to get a photo where he looks as attractive as he is in the series' though, apparently he's only good looking when he's actually moving!

1. Ben Broweder - John Chrichton. Farscape.
Now I never really watched this properly, I only ever caught the odd episode if it was on tv when I was bored, but wow this guy makes it a show definately worth watching.

Bonus: Sam Worthington - Jack Sully. Avatar. / Marcus Wright. Terminator Salvation.
Ok, I'll admit it, I actually found a lot more than 10 guys and wittling it down to 10 was difficult so as a bonus we have Sam Worthington XD

Right, thats the top 10 (or 11 if you want) men, here's my top 10 women. By the way, this one was sooooo much easier than the men!

10. Gigi Edgley - Chiana. Farscape.
The odd bits that I have seen have mainly involved me drooling over Chrichton, but who can miss the blue girl in the corset with a gun? Lets face it, she's hot.

9. Gina Torres - Zoe Washburne. Firefly / Serenity.
Zoe is badass. She will do anything to protect her Captain, her crew mates and her husband. She is a warrior and she is awesome. Also, I have that same brown leather vest XD she gets number 9 :)

8. Summer Glau - River Tam. Firefly / Serenity.
Summer gets number 8 purely because I have a weakness for big eyes XD

7. Rebecca Romijn - Mystique. X-men.
Any fan will tell you, X-men Last Stand was utter crap. Mystique was always my favourite character in the comics and even she couldn't save the films for me :-/ Last Stand was especially bad as they bought in characters needlessly, hyped them up and then discarded them. Rebecca Romijn gets her place in this list purely because she is a beautiful, scary woman.

6. Katee Sackhoff - Kara "Starbuck" Thrace. Battlestar Galactica.
I hated her. Oh I hated her. It all started because my friend told me that her character reminded him of me, so I started watching the programme with hatred pure in my heart. Then as her character progressed I fell a little bit in love with her. She WAS me, but with more pain and heartache in her life. Then she got long hair and my god she was gorgeous. Katee, as Starbuck, you get number 6 :)

5. Gillian Anderson - Dana Scully. X-Files.
I couldn't have Mulder in my other list and not include Scully. I have a weakness for red heads as well as big eyes, so Gillian gets a nice middle place in my top 10.

4.  Milla Jovovich - Leeloo. Fifth Element. / Alice. Resident Evil.
She's a bit too skinny for my normal tastes but no-one kicks ass quite like her. She has inspired thousands of fan girls to grace comic conventions dressed in nothing but toilet paper and combat boots and she is also, in real life, a proud Mama who looked better pregnant than I ever could! Milla rocks and for that she gets number 4and two pictures!

3. Christina Hendricks - Saffron. Firefly.
Who could forget Yo-Saf-Brig, AKA the former Mrs. Reynolds? Saffron is beautiful and handles a gun quite well. I coudn't find an actual screenshot so a publicity shot/advert will just have to do.

2. Ellen Page - Kitty "Shadowcat" Pryde. X-men.
I adore this girl, when I saw that she was lined up to play Shadowcat in X-men Last Stand I was so chuffed... Then the film turned out to be utter wank, but at least I got to see Ellen Page in a cat suit. She's only 3 years younger than me and I am so jealous of her looks, her body and her acting ability. I can't act for shit!

1. Zooey Dechanel - Tricia "Trillian" McMillan. The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy.
A superb film adaptation of one of my favourite books :) I had originally seen Zooey in some other film featuring whatserface from that sitcom thing, and really liked her in that but in Hitchikers, she really came into her own. Everyone knows I have a huge crush on Zooey Dechanel so to any of my friends its probably no surprise that she gets the top position!

Any other suggestions for top 10 posts, just pop them in the comments :)