Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Sadness and memories.

This month I lost two friends. 
Not close friends. Just two people that I have known for an incredibly long time and have many awesome memories of. 

My friend Helen passed away at the beginning of the month, victim of a peanut allergy. I didn't know Helen amazingly well - not as well as she knew me. She was an agony aunt to almost everybody around here and had an almost psychic ability to tell when people were in pain and was always ready to lend an ear, a shoulder and a joke to lighten the mood. She wasn't one to talk about herself. Instead favouring talking to others about themselves and issues they were facing. She was a surrogate mum, sister and auntie to almost everyone.  I regret not taking the time to coax more information out of her. But I appreciate the way she always made me feel better about everything. I always said goodbye to her with a smile. 

Today I received the news that another friend of mine passed earlier this week. A victim of his own demons and yet another devastating loss. Alan was a genuinely lovely guy. Always had a smile and time for a chat. He was only 26 - 5 years younger than me and gone too soon. He was the sound engineer for my first bands gigs, he was someone to hang out with and chain smoke with when I was bored, and one drunken night, someone to make out with. He often hung out in the DJ booth with me when I was DJing in our local alternative night club and he always had amusing anecdotes and stories. Never any enemies and never a bad word against him. The world is genuinely missing a ray of light now he's gone. 

I'm sitting on my sofa, in my Marvel pj bottoms and Doctor Who t-shirt, chain smoking and thinking about these two people. When people die, everyone says how lovely they were, how genuinely likeable they were, and how they'll be missed and nothing I have to say is any different but it is different. It's personal. I knew these people. I loved these people. In my own special way. And I feel their loss so very deeply. It's made me think of my own mortality. I wonder who will grieve me when I'm gone. I wonder who will say I touched their lives... I wonder if anyone will be grateful that they knew me. I'm grateful that I knew Helen and Alan. I'm glad I got to spend time with them while they were here. I'm sad that they've gone. I grieve for them and I cry for them. And I hate that life has to continue without them. School runs, dogs barking, medical appointments, politics... All these things continue unabated. Not everyone realises that these people existed. And that breaks my heart. I just want to shout from the rooftop "they were here. They lived. They breathed. They laughed and they cried and they influenced so much of the world around them and you carry on as if they were nothing!" 

The world should stop. If only for a moment. Just to honour these people. And everyone else before them. But of course that's a ridiculous concept. One that both Helen and Alan would laugh at me for. The world is full of death. Every day millions leave this life, leaving behind them sorrow and memories and there are no moments long enough to honour them all. It's only the wish of a grieving heart and nothing more. 

Everyone grieves differently but it will always feel the same. It's a shared emotion. Groups of people all feeling a loss. Pain is subjective but you can never truly feel what someone else feels. But we can guess. We all come together in times of joy and sadness - feeling similar to each other but never truly the same. In our grief we feel sadness that the ones we lost are gone but joy that they were once here. But it's also a private, personal grief. Something no one else will ever truly feel or understand because it is just that. Personal. And it sucks. 

They say that time heals all wounds and in my experience this is true. But the problem with time is that it just takes too damn long. So I know that eventually my private, personal grief will dissipate and though I'll never forget them, it will become less painful, but until then I must go through the motions and stay strong. Just like everybody else does with their private, personal grief. 

Monday, 3 November 2014

An Open Letter To My Ex.

I don't really know how to start this. I've got so much to say but I don't know how to begin. I don't want to rant and rage. I've done that already. I don't want to cry. I've done that already. And honestly, I'm past it all. I waited til now to write this post because I had to gather the strength. I had to be over us. 

A lot has happened in the year since I saw you last. I spent nearly a year fixing myself before even considering getting involved with anyone else. Some of that year was spent in therapy. I needed therapy after you. My doctor tells me I have post traumatic stress disorder. It's not all from you, other events have taken their toll, but you cover the majority of it. I know there's a part of you that's secretly pleased that you still have an effect on me. And that's ok. Because you do and you always will but not just in that way. Not in the way you think.

You see I discovered something in the year since you broke my heart, my bank account and my trust in humanity. I discovered that I actually like myself. Took me a while. I mean for 3 years I had the constant feeling of not being good enough. Your efforts saw to that. It kept me in my place. But my god I am actually pretty damned awesome. I mean seriously, I've got friends who call me a legend when talking about me to other people. I've been called the nicest person you could ever meet. I am regularly told that I am awesome. And it's all because I discovered that I am a no-drama, honest, laid back, accepting kinda gal. The complete opposite of what you turned me into. I still have abandonment issues. I still have trouble committing to anything because I'm terrified of losing anything I commit to. But I can finally see why people love and respect me and want to be around me. I'm still having trouble believing that anyone can find me attractive but one step at a time, eh. 

You destroyed me. You broke my spirit. You crushed any sense of self worth I ever had. You ground me down so much that I still panic if I say something a little bluntly, I worry that anyone could snap at the tiniest thing and start on me out of nowhere. Like you did. I am terrified of arguing with anyone over anything and I feel the need to prove everything I ever say to anyone and provide evidence of wherever I'm going. But you have not beaten me. I may be broken but I am no longer destroyed. 

I realised a little while back that I was always going to love you. 
But that's ok. Because it's not YOU I am always going to be in love with. It's the persona you projected. The lies you concocted. The idea of you rather than the actual you. Once I learned to separate that from the physical you, healing myself because so much easier.
It's like a person suit and believe me, it fits much more than just one person. 
All I had to do was wait for someone who measured up to the idea that I was in love with to come along, and you could be replaced with a much better model just like that. That's the thing with pretending to be someone else, I guess. So easy to replace if you're not real. 

This is how you'll always have an effect on me. You will always be the biggest fuck up of my life. But a fuck up I came back from, with dignity, style and poise. 

I spent a year healing myself. I learned to love myself. I learned to be a better parent. Better friend. Better daughter. Better person. I took everything I learned from being with you, and I decided that it definitely wasn't anything I wanted in my life anymore. Being convinced that you're no better than dirt isn't any good for anyone. It destroys a soul. 

I've got a long way to go yet. I'm still jumpy, I still have irrational fears and worries, I'm still terrified of being left. But I know now that I can cope if I am. Because I had to. I still have trust issues. But they are slowly resolving themselves. 

Basically, I just want you to know that you lost. I won. I am so much stronger than you ever gave me credit for. I was broken but now I am almost completely fixed. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with my own company and I know that I have an amazing support network. My friends and family and the beginnings of a new relationship. 

This time last year, everything was starting to go wrong. I was so scared. It was dark, I was alone, I was desperately ill and I was terrified. 
I have come such a long way since then and I did it despite of you. 

At the end of the day, I am Luna. And Luna is unstoppable. 

Thursday, 4 September 2014

The start of a new chapter.

If you ask my family, I don't have a maternal bone in my body. 
If you ask my friends, I'm the mother of the group. 
If you ask me, I agree with the former and argue the latter. 
I'm not a natural born mother. My mothering instinct comes out when my friends need me or if my children are poorly but never at any other time. I've been known to laugh when the children fall over. I've been known to tell them to man up and I've also been known to ignore them when they cry for no apparent reason. In my opinion I am raising self sufficient young men who can look after themselves. I am always there when they need a cuddle, but they have to come to me. I won't go to them no matter how loud they cry. I am always there if they need advice or just someone to talk to. I extend compassion and understanding but I expect them to be able to deal with any situation presented to them.
Except bullying. When my eldest started school last year, he came and told me that a bigger boy was picking on him. 
I swear the office staff at the school started shaking when I stormed in there, children being dragged behind me, and demanded to talk to his teacher. 
Luckily it was all sorted out but I think the staff learned very quickly that although I practice distant parenting, I will protect my children with the ferocity of a mama bear. 
Anyway, as I was saying, being a mother does not come naturally to me. I try hard and I worry about my kids and their welfare, I would move the heavens if I had to, just to help them, but I'm not a very good mother. Which is why days like today are difficult for me. 
My youngest, my 4 year old, started school. 
Last year my eldest started school and though nervous and a bit shakey, I was fine with it. He was ready. He's tall for his age and he's so clever it's unreal. He was ready a long time before he started and honestly, it was a relief to get him out of the house. But this time around... It's so different. My youngest is still a baby. He's short and chunky with chubby cheeks an thighs like a baby, a slight speech impediment which means I sometimes have to translate for him when he talks to people. He's into trains and dinosaurs and not a lot else. He's still a baby. He's not ready for school. 
Except he is. 
It's me who isn't ready. I'm not ready to let go of being by his side all the time and let him into the big scary world. What will happen if he gets bullied?! Well, to be honest, probably nothing. I doubt he'd even notice. It's the older one that's the more sensitive child. The younger one is like a juggernaut. Hurtling through life, oblivious to anything except trains and sandwiches and cuddles. He's so like his mother. 
And so at 8.30 this morning, he stood before me, in his uniform of shirt, tie, smart trousers and shoes and sweatshirt with the schools logo emblazoned on it and I'm not ashamed to say that I nearly cried. I held it in though. He was so excited. He kept jumping up and down and telling passers by that he was going to school. Everyone said what a big boy he was and how adorable he looked. It was like a fucking worthers advert. 
My heart was breaking for the entire trip to school. The firstborn went in through the gates as he has done for a year now. All excited about being in year one now. Secondborn had to go in through the office as he started reception year. 
As he wandered off, holding his teachers hand, a troop of other tiny people following behind him, I saw him look back and give me a massive smile and a tiny wave. He was ready. He was ready and I was not. And my heart was completely and utterly breaking. 
They don't tell you, when you have kids, that no matter how bad you are at being a parent, the emotions are still stronger than anything you've ever felt before. 
I stood there and I watched the third and final piece of my heart walk away from me and towards the big scary world. And I had to trust that it would be safe without me. 
No one warns you that once you've shared a body with a small person, once you've created them and grown them inside you for 9 months, that you will never feel complete without them again. The only time I ever feel right is when they're both cuddled up to me. That's the only time I ever feel complete. 
And now I have to trust that the world won't hurt them yet. Not until they're ready to deal with that. I have to trust that they'll be safe without me. 
And knowing the state of the world, I know that they're not. 
I'm a firm believer in not shying children away from the world, but raising them to improve it. And I'm doing pretty well with the firstborn. He said to me "mama, if I see someone at school crying, I'm going to go and see if they're ok because everybody should have a friend."
He's not even 6 yet. He's not even 6 and he knows compassion. I couldn't have been more proud of him. 
I feel that the Secondborn would know to do that but he wouldn't say it. He'd just go and do it. He's not one to talk about his feelings or motives. 
He's so like his mother. 
Firstborn though... He's so empathetic I wonder where he gets it. Certainly not from me. 
I marvel at these little people, each and every day. 
I don't have a maternal instinct. I lack the capacity to be a soft and caring mother. But that doesn't mean that I can't raise empathetic and caring young men. 
And as I watch them make their way into the big scary world, I can see them shining a little more light and kindness into it and I can't help but feel both heartbroken and joyful that they're doing it without me, and that they're doing it at all. 

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines Hints.

So I've been single for a few weeks now. That's actually an understatement but I'm trying not to dwell on how pathetically unloved I am. But in this time I have been dipping my toe into the dating pool so to speak and it's been fairly successful. I have learned a few things about myself, about other people and about how the world works and so today, dear reader, I give you a valentines gift. What with it being Valentines Day today and all (because lets face it, a Valentines post in the middle of July would have been weird.) Today, I present to you...

Luna's Guaranteed To Work Flirting Techniques.

Don't thank me now. Thank me later when you're elbow deep in whatever genitalia you happen to prefer.
You're welcome.

These flirting techniques have been proven (by me so you know they're good) to work on anyone and anything. Trust me. I could seduce a tree I'm just that good. I wouldn't, but I could.

Now you've arranged to meet someone for a drink. This is good. It's the first step to meeting people (the actual meeting people I mean.) It's a social thing, and it's normal. Lots of people meet for drinks and with any luck, you've managed to get this meeting without coming across as too weird or creepy. Well done you. So you're in the pub and the person you have arranged this date with is there too. So far things are going amazingly. You're there, they're there - there are so many there's there it's unreal. How do you go from the "Getting to know you" chat to the "I would like to know you intimately" chat? By following this handy step by step guide my friend!

Step one: Inform your date that you require lubrication.
Don't worry, they will know that you mean you're thirsty. It won't sound weird, everyone knows that if you're in a pub, lubrication is slang for beverage. Say in a loud and clear voice "[Name of date] I require lubrication." and march off to the bar. If you're going dutch then buy your own drink. If not then sort out who's paying and acquire said beverage. At this point, your date will be falling over themselves to find out more about you. Don't hold back. Go to step two.

Step two: Inform your date about your bowel movements.
It may sound odd but go with me here. Everyone likes regular bowel movements. Not a lot of people notice when they are regular but everyone notices when they are irregular. If you have regular (normal) bowel movements and you know this, then mention it. Because it shows that you are the kind of person that pays attention to the little things. Your date will appreciate your attention to detail and will automatically think that you will pay attention to their needs and wants almost psychically. This is good. Because everyone wants a psychic lover. Seriously. I don't know how many times I've been in bed with someone and I've been thinking "left a bit... left a bit... lower..." and they haven't picked up on my thoughts. Psychic lovers will know where your sweet spots are without you having to say anything and that makes the whole sex thing a lot easier in my opinion.
However. If you are not regular, if you suffer from some sort of stomach or intestinal disorder then inform your date of this anyway. They need to know what they're letting themselves in for if they pursue the course of action of dating you.

Step three: Reel off every single fact about yourself as quickly as you can without stopping to breathe.
Your date will be so impressed by your memory and all of the interesting things you've just told them, that they will literally swoon. Hold nothing back. Tell them about your prized collection of celebrity toe nail clippings. Tell them about your cat tapestry hobby. Tell them about the time in school when you had to have a recorder removed from your left nostril by a trained medical professional. These are all interesting factoids and people deserve to know them.
By now your date will be looking uncomfortable and/or nervous. This is good. It means that they want to sleep with you so much that they literally don't know what to do with themselves. Now we move on to the final step. This is the most powerful step. And it's really simple. If, by now, you have decided that you would like to see this person again or at least have intercourse with them, you simply go to step four.

Step Four: Say the following words.
"I have night vision goggles and a lot of free time."
Your date will now be making excuses to leave, such things as the cat has been ill and they really need to check on it, or they think they left the cooker on... This is good. This means that they are so aroused by your sheer magnificence that they need to go and be alone for about half an hour or so (if you know what I mean *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*). Offer to walk them home. If they decline, insist. It's the gentle(wo)manly thing to do. And also it means that you will know where they live. Do not accept any offers of coffee though, you don't want to seem like a desperate slut!

As soon as you are alone, send them a text to thank them for a lovely date and ask for a second. If they don't respond within 2 minutes, send it again. Repeat until they reply. This will show that you are eager to see them again because you admire them and who doesn't like being admired?!

So there you go. Guaranteed, never to fail, pulling techniques.
Good luck my friend. Not that you'll need it!

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Self Promotion.

So in case anybody wasn't aware, I am on twitter and have been for some time now. The link is here... and gosh, I sure would love some new followers. I'm very good in that I will always follow back, once I've figured out that you're not a spam profile anyway and I'll always reply to folk, because I'm a fantastic tweeter. Or twit. Or whichever is more appropriate.

Anyway, now that we've got that shameless plug out of the way, how are you my dear readers? I know it's been a long while since I blogged, but I don't really have much to say that isn't under 140 characters these days. I'm sitting here writing this, on a wednesday evening at 10:50pm, with a menthol cigarette and a cup of chocolate milkshake (I'm so badass) wracking my brains about what to write. I gots the urge but I don't gots the inspiration. I think it's because by this time at night I'm far too tired to actually think straight. I'm full of ideas but the brain's gone to sleep. Which is handy in a not-at-all-handy-really kind of a way. So how about we cut this short (just like me) and keep it as what it essentially is, seeing as I can't think of anything interesting to say: A shameless plug to get more followers on twitter!

So yeah, follow me (literally, if you feel the need to, I could do with more excitement in my life!) and keep up with my day to day ramblings, my angry rants about the school run and other fun tit bits that I may randomly post. Believe me, your life will be all the better for it.

Friday, 14 June 2013

An FAQ about Gay marriage.

The gay rights movement has always been something that I have felt strongly about. My own sexual preferences aside, I just don't understand why one group of people is denied the right to fall in love. Love is universal, or so I believe. It occurs in nature, therefore it is natural. If swans can mate for life then why is it frowned upon for a group of humans to do the same? Love, as the old song goes, is many a splendored thing and in my humble opinion, there isn't enough of it in the world. Here in the UK at the moment we are trying to get the gay marriage bill passed, it's already half way through and I am confident that it will pass. We're basically trying to eradicate the ideas of civil partnerships and replace it with the word marriage. It's only a word, but it's one step closer to true equality for all. Over in America, however, they're still trying to make it legal at all, in any shape or form. As I understand it, there are still many states that don't even allow civil ceremonies. My knowledge on the whole thing is limited, but whenever I read something about it, I always come across the same arguments against it and they are so utterly stupid, that I simply need to voice my opinion on them. So here are some of the most used arguments against gay marriage and equality and my responses underneath. (I have copied these from the first page I found on google that had them all down in one place.)

"It Is Not Marriage...
Calling something marriage does not make it marriage. Marriage has always been a covenant between a man and a woman which is by its nature ordered toward the procreation and education of children and the unity and wellbeing of the spouses."

If calling something marriage does not make it marriage, then I propose that your heterosexual union is not a marriage. If you claim that calling something a name does not make it so, then surely it goes both ways? What makes your union a marriage that cannot be used to call a homosexual union a marriage? The only difference is that (only) one of you has a penis. Really, if you truly love each other, then I don't see any difference. Homosexuality has been rife ever since man first became man and look, millions of years later, we're still here. I really don't think that homosexuality is a threat to the ongoing progressions of our species. If it was, we'd have died out by now. 

"Marriage is for Procreation...
If the gays get married then they are not procreating, therefore the human race is in danger of dying out. Marriage should be kept for heterosexual couples so that they can ensure the continuation of the human race."

Wow. That's a lot of pressure for a newly wed couple. "Come on Dave, we need to save all of humanity..." Not exactly the sexiest example of pillow talk. First of all, human beings have been reproducing since before the very idea of marriage was invented. I'm fairly certain early men were sticking their little soldiers into their women-folk as often as they felt like it without needing a reason besides the fact that they wanted to. The act of sex comes about because of normal physical urges. Sometimes certain parts of the body just want to be played with for a little while. It's in-built and natural. There is nothing in nature that says "you have to shag because you are married." If that was the case then I would have never have met my parents as they would have been locked in their room 24/7 and I'd have a lot of brothers and sisters. My father would be disabled because of exhaustion, not a work accident. My friend and her husband are in a childless marriage as my friends husband is infertile. Does this mean that their marriage is fake? It feels real to them. They love each other and wanted to make it so that if anything happened to one of them, the other was safe from worries like homelessness and poverty. Marriage is basically a nice little word for "legal". Contracts have been signed, property has been shared and metal rings have been exchanged. Marriage is a man-made idea, it comes from humans, not nature. There are no monkies in the jungles of godknows where getting hitched. I promise you this. There are monkies shagging and having babies, but none of them are exchanging vows in order to do this. 


It's against my religion. My holy words say that it's bad."

Good for you. It's not against mine. I don't have one. What else do your holy words say is bad? Shaving? Eating meat on a Tuesday? Do you follow all of the rules properly? Probably not but that's your choice. If you want to follow those rules then go for it, but they are YOUR rules, no-one elses. It's not up to you to decide how someone else lives their life. They're not hurting you, so why are you trying to hurt them? I'm not religious. I admire those that are, I'm sure your religion has been a great comfort to you in times of need, but you have absolutely no right to use it to cause harm on anyone. It's just plain spiteful. Despite my lack of religion though, let me quote from yours. "Judge not lest ye be judged." Yeah. Think about that.


If we allow gay unions then it will encourage our children to be gay and teach them that it's ok."

Good. Because seriously, there are too many kids out there that are hating themselves and trying to lead a life that isn't for them in order to make YOU happy. Growing up is difficult enough without being made to think that you're not good enough or that you don't deserve to be loved. I have two sons, and though I'm not very good at this parenting lark, the only thing that I want them to be confident in is the fact that I love them unconditionally. No matter what. The idea of either of my children growing up to think that I could wake up one day and just not love them anymore terrifies me. Love is natural, and a mothers love, doubly so. There is nothing in the world that will EVER stop me from loving them, especially such a stupid thing as loving the "wrong" person. Many people will cry "but don't you want grandchildren?!" to that. And honestly, I'm ambivalent about the whole thing. I will love any child of my child, obviously. However, it's not something I'm desperate for. It's not something I crave or need. All I want is for my children to be happy. And if either having or not having children makes them happy, then I'm happy that they are happy. It's their decision, not mine.

"It Will Lead to Marriage Involving Animals, Siblings, Children, or Groups of People!"

I hate to burst your bubble here, but that already happens. There are people out there, who classify themselves as heterosexual, who are doing these things. I'm not denying that homosexuals do it too, but it's not limited to a specific gender preference. For instance, the 50 year old school janitor who likes to watch the little girls undress. He isn't a homosexual, quite the opposite in fact. So how is allowing gay marriage going to have any effect on this pervert? Quite simply, it isn't. And as it stands, gay marriage is illegal in your state, legalising it doesn't mean that you have to legalise paedophillia or bestiality. You can legalise one thing and keep the others illegal. It's not all one great big package, it's like a breakfast menu, you can pick and choose from the group. The thing that no-one is picking up on though, is that homosexual sex is (usually) consensual  Both parties agree and no-one gets hurt. In bestiality or paedophilia, one party doesn't agree, it's non-consensual and as such as classified as rape and the non-consenting party has to live with the ordeal for years afterwards. No-one in a consenting gay union goes through any kind of ordeal and no-one has to live with the repercussions afterwards. That is why it's ridiculous to class it in with such other acts. The reason we frown upon incest is because it limits the expansion of the gene pool and after a few generations of inbreeding, genetic mutations can occur which can lead to the offspring dying early, being brain damaged or even just so freaking ugly that no-one is going to want to shag them. No matter how drunk. That is a very good reason to try and avoid shagging a family member, however unions of the same sex will not result in children. Not without the aid of medical science or the adoption of an unwanted child anyway, so the gene pool is left untainted and free from mutations that might pass down the family line. If given the choice between legalising a union that can cause defects in a future generation or legalising a union that will not result in a future generation (bearing in mind that some heterosexual unions cannot conceive a child either) then which one is the most logical one to pick? Yeah, gay unions are the safest bet and that is why they should be legalised, they are not harming anyone. 

"It's just not natural..."

Excuse me, but are you wearing glasses? Do you enjoy air conditioning? Do you eat processed foods? Do you live in a house that is kept comfortable during winter with the aid of central heating? Do you wear polyester? None of those things are natural, they are all man-made. If you can enjoy those things then your argument is invalid. Quite besides which, actually homosexuality IS natural. Homosexuality is found throughout the animal kingdom and homosexual acts are often used as a way to blow off steam or solve problems. Really, if you think about it, it's only humans that have a problem with sex and how it should be used. Sex is a natural act and since before humans were human, man was trying to stick his little friend into anything and everything. It's another one of those pesky natural urges. 

"It Offends God..."

Really? You don't think that an all knowing and all seeing deity has better things to be watching than a bit of man on man action? And if he did create the heavens and the earth and all things in them like you believe, then why did he let them be gay in the first place? Personally I don't believe in an omnipotent sky-beard, but I'm fairly certain that if one existed, he wouldn't be looking down on us going "oh dear, they're at it again... tut tut tut." He'd be like "right, that's bad, lets get that sorted with a good bit of smiting." Yeah, I've read the bible (which is more than some christians have) and I remember that he was really into a good bit of smiting now and again. And floods. He loved himself a good flood. If god really disapproves then he'll do something about it. Clearly, the fact that he hasn't means that he couldn't give a toss. And I don't blame him. Who one man loves is not a matter up for debate. It's between him and the man he loves who hopefully loves him in return. Is my friend destroying your life by loving someone? You don't know him, you've never met him and probably never will. He recently married (civil ceremony)  his partner of 6 years and they are very happy together. Is their union affecting your life? Are you suddenly unable to use your legs? Have you gone deaf in one ear? Have you lost all of your money? Your house? Your partner or children all because my friend decided to let himself be happy? The answer is no, you spiteful biggot. His life has absolutely NO effect on your life whatsoever and your need to destroy his is purely down to a psychotic need to control everything around you. Just because you don't approve of it doesn't make it bad. Just look at music of the 1950's, the first talking pictures and the black rights movement. People disapproved of them at first and look at them now. The world is a better place for them being in it. Why are you stopping the world from being a better place?

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Some Time Later...

Well, I gave it two months and no answer, so I guess I'm staying here! Besides which, I decided to change direction slightly from where I started and where I ended up. As anyone who reads this may have noticed from their mentions in previous posts that I have 2 small children. At the time of writing they are 2 and 4 years old. They are both boys and they are a handful and as much as they frustrate and exhaust me, I wouldn't change them for the world. I made them, they are perfect. I'm not a very good mum though. I yell and I scold and I ignore and I teach. I don't hug them as often as I should. I don't praise them as much as I should. I don't back down as much as I should. At present my firstborn has gotten into the habit of guilt tripping me whenever I tell him off. He'll argue back when I tell him off so I eventually sit him on the naughty step or send him to his room. After a few minutes he'll wander back in and ask me why I stopped loving him. I realise guilt tripping is a natural part of growing up and learning all kinds of social interactions, cause and effect etc but it kills me every time. No matter how many times I explain that I will always love him, no matter what, and that I have to tell him off when he's naughty but that doesn't mean I have stopped loving him, he still says it and it still feels like a knife to the heart. I know one day he'll just get it. He'll push and push and push and then realise that I'm not going anywhere and it's through choice, not just a sense of obligation, but right now, while he's still so tiny - it's just hard. Sometimes he's so grown up. Being an older brother in a house with only one parent meant that he had to grow up a bit faster than other children his age and it's often said that he's an old soul. He really is. There's something so very knowing inside of him. He understands far more of the world than someone his age should. But at times I look at him and see the tiny, defenceless, squirming baby that used to sleep on my chest with one hand holding a clump of my hair and the other hand being entirely covered by his tiny mouth. He's still so little, being only 4. And it's heartbreaking to know that he won't always be this little. He won't always be so inquisitive, asking about the clouds in the sky or how the television works. As an adult I take knowing those things for granted. If I don't understand how something works or I want to know more about it, I just google it. He's 4, he can't read. His only source of information is other people and so when he is curious, he asks me. I love that. I love being the one he relies on to find things out. Walking to Grandma's house once he asked me what the pretty building over the road was. It was a church and explaining the purpose of the church led on to an explanation about god. Being an atheist I explained to him about belief in a god, what a god is, the different types of religion and gods out there and so on and so forth with reassurances that, as he gets older, if he finds himself drifting towards a tendency to believe in any form of deity, then that's ok with me. I feel this overwhelming urge to let him to know that most of the things that he might choose in life are ok with me. As long as he doesn't hurt anyone, and as long as he's happy, then I'm happy. I have dreams for him. I have an imagination and I like to imagine him achieving great things as he reaches adulthood. But sometimes I forget to stop and look at him (and his brother) and appreciate what and who he is now. He's a little person. He's learning every day, every thing is still new to him. And while right now might be difficult and demanding, it isn't going to last forever. And before I know it he'll be a grown man with a life and possibly family of his own. And he won't need me as much anymore. And as much as his "Why have you stopped loving me?" questions might hurt me today, the thought of not having them tomorrow, well that feels even worse.