Some thoughts.

A few people read this blog. I know you do coz I've googled myself so don't deny it. So those of you who read this know that over the last year I've deleted most of the personal stuff that I wrote on here and I started writing rather mundane lists of people who have died instead. It's all because over the last year or so I came to find out who my true friends really are and I started being less public about myself as I guess, a defence mechanism. It has not been my finest 12 months. I have succeeded in driving away almost everybody who either cared or I thought cared about me and I have become introverted and rather selfishly trapped inside myself, not really caring about others and trying (for some unknown reason) to break every good thing that I had or still have going for me. I honestly don't know why I did it, the only analogy that springs to mind is that of a cornered rat but quite why it's cornered or having to strike out at whatever is cornering it is beyond me. I knew what I was doing and I was powerless to stop myself. I was in a spiral of depression and loneliness and the more unhappy and lonely I became, the more I pushed people away so I have no-one to blame but myself. Recently it came to a head when I stepped outside of myself and saw what I was doing. I realised that I have seen my best friend 3 times in 6 months, I had deleted almost everybody that I used to chat to online and my relationship with my boyfriend was and still is, hanging by a thread. It took a week long argument and a lot of soul searching to figure out where I went wrong there but because I am not the kind of person to learn from their lessons straight away, a lot of damage has been done and it's going to take a long time to repair it. I will admit my crimes now and believe me, I'm not proud of them.

I have...

Pushed him away,

Lied,

Started arguments for the sake of it,

Physically struck out at him once,

Manipulated him into feeling bad for things that aren't his fault,

Ignored him,

Talked to him like he was a lower life form,

Neglected to tell him things that are important,

Said one thing and done another,

Abused his trust and his faith in me,

Broken promises,

and Emotionally blackmailed him.

As I said, not my finest year. So after that list of heinous acts, I think anyone reading this will understand why exactly we're hanging by a thread. But it's not one of those cut your losses and run things. It's what I would have done in the past, it's what I HAVE done in the past... but with him I just can't and it's not through feeling guilty or a sense of obligation, it's because even though I have treated him atrociously, even though I have done all of the damage here, I love him. And I think... No, I believe... I believe that he is my soul mate. It's a cliche'd term that I always said I didn't believe in but when you know, you know. And things like beliefs change. 

I have come up with a theory. And it's that of a circle. The circle is you. And you are a complete circle when you are born right up until your teens (unless something tragic happens, keep reading and you'll understand, I promise I have a point here!) you are a complete circle because when you are born and when you are a child, all you need is your parents, any siblings and grandparents. Family. Family are there to love you unconditionally (or should be anyway) and you don't, when you are a child, need anyone else and you don't need to work hard to keep them loving you as they are family and they always will. Just after or around puberty is the time where you start to try and find yourself, you try to distance yourself from family as you have realised that they will always be there and you try to find a little bit of independence. This is why there are so many arguments during this stage of your life. That circle that is you is being chipped away at and you are becoming less complete as time goes on. You try to fill that gap with friends (some of whom fit in nicely in the little gaps next to family, and some of whom don't) and boyfriends or girlfriends but no-one quite fits properly and with every person that tries to fill that gap, they chip a little more off. By the time you are 20-25 (assuming you haven't met the person of your dreams that is) you are roughly a cresent moon shape instead of the wonderfully full circle that you used to be. Believe me, if it wasn't for family you wouldn't even be a cresent. And then one day, there you are just minding your own business staring at a cow or a broom or something (I'm so rural right now!) and that person that you've been waiting for comes along and they fit that gap perfectly and suddenly you are a circle again. A full, complete, glorious circle. And if you're anything like me... You freak out. See I had spent so long being a cresent that I had gotten used to it. I had forgotten what being a circle felt like, I had forgotten what it felt like to be complete and when all of a sudden I was, it terrified me. And subconciously, I began to push him away. It felt different and it felt... It felt right but it was different and scary and new and apparently despite my protests, I am fairly resistant to change. I can't explain it any better than that so I'm just going to hope that someone understands it and can explain it to the rest of the class while I just go over here for a moment to study this interesting broom and cow portrait...

The last 12 months were the worst I have ever been as a human being, I have no excuse, only apologies. I became exactly the kind of person that I despise and I did it because I was hurt. I still don't entirely know why I was hurt, but I was hurting and I struck out. And I hit those closest to me and I did more damage than I could have ever imagined. There is no overnight cure. There is no moving on and getting over it. We're going to try and start again and try to forget some of the worst stuff but the human brain is a sod for throwing up memories of things we'd rather forget, normally just when you're trying to get some sleep... (typical...) so starting again may be easier said than done but we're going to try. I am determined to make this right again. I met the man of my dreams. I fell in love with him. I can't imagine life without him and frankly, I don't want to. And if I want to keep him then I have to fix things. It'll be hard, it'll take a long time and at times I'll want to stop and find a rock to die under rather than carry on but I will carry on because at the end of the day he is worth it. If I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to him then I will. I am prepared to do that for him because I came incredibly close to losing him and I don't think I could bear to go through that again. 

2011 Round Up. People What Have Done Died.

Yes, yes, I am aware that we are in mid January now but honestly, I really couldn't be bothered to write anything of interest until now! The boyfriend is at work until around midnight and the kids are asleep and I've got nothing else to do so I may as well talk about all the famous people that died last year. Well not all of them, just the ones I was aware of and/or had actually heard of. I would write something on a more personal note but 2011 was such a mixed up year that I'm not entirely sure I've got it straight in my head yet and lets be honest, all it would say is "wow 2011 sucked huh?" so lets discuss something slightly more interesting yeah?


"Celebrity" Deaths! Huzzah! What a joyful topic!


Well it all started on January 2nd 2011 when British actor Pete Postlethwaite died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 64. This was a particularly saddening death for me as he was actually one of my favourite actors. Not in a sense that I thought he was amazing at everything he did, just in the sense that he was IN everything I loved. I'd put on a film and go "Oh it's 'im!" in my best cockney accent and guaranteed I would love that film. I don't know whether that was anything to do with him being in it or whether we both just had REALLY similar movie tastes... Here's a picture.

Contemplative Pete.

Another death on the same day doesn't exactly qualify as a celebrity death but still made me look up from my beans on toast when it was announced on the news was that of  Major Richard "Dick" D. Winters.  It's not a name that many people know but I was fortunate the year before to have watched the entirety of Band Of Brothers in just 2 days and this show, set in WWII was about Company "E" which Major Richard Winters was in charge of. The entire thing is based on stories and interviews from him and his regiment, diary entries and whatever news clippings the producers could get hold of and it's a pretty accurate portrayal of what the Company experienced. Knowing it was all true and seeing the soldiers as old men talking about their time serving in the army and talking about those no longer with us had me reduced to tears so many times that I almost had a toilet roll fort around me as I watched it all. I'm welling up now as I remember it. Winters died, having suffered from Parkinsons Disease, aged 92 on the 2nd January 2011 and was buried next to his parents in a family plot 6 days later. It's sad that a re-enactment show had to bring his existence to my attention but I'm so glad that it did, he may not have agreed with me on this, but the man was a hero and he inspired an entire regiment to become heroes with him. 

Dashing Dick.

Then on the 4th author Ronald Gordon King-Smith otherwise known as Dick King Smith passed away aged 88. Dick King Smith was famous for writing The Sheep-Pig (otherwise known as Babe), A Mouse Named Wolf and The Invisible Dog. All excellent books that I intend to read my children at some point!

You can't take the farm out of

the farmer.

After that on the 4th January there was also Gerry Rafferty which quite royally sucked, this man was responsible for at least 2 of my alltime favourite songs. "Stuck In The Middle With You" when he was with the band Stealers Wheel (although admittedly it's not my favourite song for the reason it should be, mainly because of a very famous scene in a film that it is used in where an american police officer has his ear cut off...) and Baker Street, when he was not. He was 63 years old and died of liver failure after battling alcoholism for most of his life.

Gerry Rafferty. Nice glasses.

That was it for 20 more days until suddenly, on the 24th Jaunuary, death struck again. This time a name that none of you will recognise, it is only by lookig at his achievements that you will know who he was. Bernd Eichinger was a producer and director and was famous for making such movies as... The Neverending Story, Resident Evil and The Fantastic Four. He sadly died of a heart attack at the age of 61 at his home in Los Angeles. 

 Bernd Eichinger weilding an award of some kind...

Then on the 31st of January, Mark Ryan passed away. Another name that wont mean much unless you look at his achievements. He was a guitarist during the 70's and in 1977 he joined Adam and the Ants. After leaving them, he joined The Photons, and was involved with The Moors Murderers. The vocalist in both bands was Steve Strange, who later became the singer for Visage. He also was in King, alongside The Damned's Captain Sensible. This guy had connections! He died aged 51 from complications caused by liver damage.

This is his best Dara O'Brian 

impression.

February passed fairly quietly in the morbid world of celebrity death spotting, but soon came March with a new wave and the first to fall was American musician Mike Starr who was famous for being the original bassist in Alice In Chains. He died after a tumultuous career on the 8th March 2011 aged 44 of a prescription-drug overdose. 

The only pose he had...

March 15th saw the death of another musician, this time from the world of rap. Nate Dogg was known for his fine collection of hats, his rap trio 213 and his solo career in which he collaborated with Dr. Dre, Warren G, Tupac and Snoop Dogg. He released 3 solo albums between 1998 and 2008 and passed away aged 41 from complications of multiple strokes. Not a nice way to go. 

Nate Dogg. Feat, a rather nice hat.

On the 17th March 2011 we lost Alfred. Known to his friends, family and fans as Michael Gough he was best known for playing Alfred in the Batman films between 1989 and 1997. He was also in Dracula, Alice In Wonderland, Dr Who, A Christmas Carol and Sleepy Hollow. He died aged 94 after a short illness. 

Alfred! You're needed!

On March 23rd Liz Taylor passed away aged 79 due to complications related to heart failure. If you don't know who Liz Taylor is then you've obviously been living under a rock since the early 40's. She was a screen siren known for such movies as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Cleopatra, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Doctor Faustus and she was beautiful.

 Liz Taylor.

April kicked in and the first 2 weeks passed by quietly, which was nice as my birthday falls in that time. Then on the 14th Trevor Bannister of Are You Being Served and Last Of The Summer Wine passed away aged 76 due to a heart attack at his allotment. I loved watching both Are You Being Served and Last Of The Summer Wine when I was a kid, I remember sitting with my parents on a sunday evening watching one or both (I forget which) of  these classic british programmes. Fond memories indeed :)

Are you being served? At all?

Then on the 19th a personal blow for me, Elisabeth Sladden passed away from cancer. She was better known as Sarah Jane in Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures. Although she was only the doctors assistant between the years of 1973 and 1976, she reprised her role so many times in subsequent years that she never really left and became instead, like a permanent cast member. When she rejoined the 10th doctor (David Tennant) for the last time none of us realised it would be her last and I was thrilled to see her again. It is with sorrow that I write this entry.

Good dog K9, gooooood doggy...

On the 25th April punk lost an icon. The enamouring Poly Styrene from band X-Ray Specs. She died aged 53 from breast cancer that had spread to her lungs and her spine. The punk world was silenced this day as we all mourned for a pioneer of women in punk. 

All her real hair.

On May 7th music lost another legend.  This time from 60's band The Walker Brothers, John Walker. John died aged 67 from liver cancer. I don't have very much say about this except that the music created by John and Scott (Engel) has helped me through a lot of bad times, especially this one: Make It Easy On Yourself. 

Such nice looking boys. Your Nan would be proud. Or not...

Probably not.

May was a very quiet month, death wise (although not as quiet as February) but then on the 20th the wrestling world was rocked by news of the death of WWE legend Macho Man Randy Savage. Randy died aged 58 from a heart attack that occured while he was driving with his wife. He apparently became unresponsive and lost control of his vehicle, crashing into a tree. Initial reports indicated that it had been the collision that had killed him, despite the fact that both he and his wife had been wearing seatbelts and she had suffered only mild injuries (you know, besides the shock at seeing your husband dead in the seat next to you and all...) but later tests revealed that Savage had suffered from an enlarged heart and advanced coronary disease which had basically built up and caused a fatal heart attack. 

So macho he's The Macho King. 

Or Mr. Madness. 

In New Zealand there isn't really much to do except raise sheep, sell wool and star in dodgy day time television Soaps such as Shortland Street. (I apologise, I know that none of that is true!)  So on June 6th 2011 New Zealand was rocked by news of the death of one of their most famous farmyard animals, national icon Shrek.  Shrek the sheep died aged 16 after being put to sleep on the advice of a local vet. Shrek gained fame in 2004 after he avoided being caught and shorn for six years. After finally being caught on 15 April 2004, the sheep was shorn by a professional in 20 minutes. The shearing was broadcast on national television in New Zealand, which delayed the airing of the easter special episode of Shortland Street by 45 minutes. There were literally tens of complaints.

See how he blends into the rock? That's how you evade

capture for 6 years.

On June 20th news hit us of the death of Ryan Dunn. Ryan was famous being a part of Jackass and Viva La Bam alongside Bam Margera. This death made me angry because it was a needless death. As well as himself, Ryan Dunn managed to kill a production assistant, Zachary Hartwell in what has been described as a car crash of epic proportions. Don't get me wrong, death is a sad business, especially when it happens to someone so young (Dunn was just 34) but Dunn had been drinking. 2 hours before his death he had posted a photo to twitter of himself and Hartwell drinking at a local bar. A toxicology report after death showed Dunn had a blood alcohol level of 0.196% — more than twice the state's legal limit of 0.08%. Police have also added that the speed that the pair were travelling at may have been a contributing factor. They were apparently travelling at between 132 and 140 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. Really Mister Policeman? Y'think? Now I'm not saying Ryan Dunn is fully to blame, both of the passengers in that car were very drunk and either one of them could have ended up driving that night but that's exactly my point. Neither of them should have been driving and the fact that they were was just plain stupid. I can feel my blood boiling as I write this as I think about the loss that their friends and family must be feeling. How needless it all is and what a waste. Ryan Dunn died aged just 34 on the 20th June 2011, his death was caused by stupidity.

The photo uploaded to Twitter.

The wreckage of the car after it was discovered.

Ryan Dunn.

On June 23rd my personal world was rocked when I heard about the death of Peter Falk. Although most will know him as Columbo, I will always know him as the kindly grandfather from my favourite childhood film The Princess Bride.  Falk died at his home on the evening on June 23rd aged 83 . The cause of death was revealed as cardiorespiratory arrest, with pneumonia and Alzheimer's disease as underlying causes. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had a little cry over this news. 

Just one more thing...

July only had one celebrity death but it was a shocker all the same. 27 year old singer Amy Winehouse was found dead at her home at around 4pm on the 23rd July 2011. The cause of death was alcohol poisoning as Winehouse's blood alcohol content was 416 mg per decilitreat the time of her death, more than five times the legal drink-drive limit. I'm not going to say it wasn't coming, she had battled alcohol addiction for most of her career if not life, but she was 8 months younger than me so it was a bit of a shock that it happened now. Would be that I start to enjoy her music now! Here's a classic song that I fully identify with. (Minus the drug refrences)

We only said goodbye with words...

See how pretty you look when you're not drunk Amy? Amy?

Ah crap...

August only saw the death of Khamis Gaddafi, son of Muammar Gaddafi who was caught and shot by american troops in October of 2011. Neither of which I will go into as politics aren't my strong point. 

September held The Lokomotiv Yaroslavl plane crash which I am only mentioning as I was literally gobsmacked when I heard about it on the news because of the sheer scale of it. On the 7th of September 2011 a plane carrying the players and coaching staff of the Lokomotiv Yaroslavl professional ice hockey team, crashed near the Russian city of Yaroslavl. The aircraft ran off the runway before lifting off, failed to gain altitude, struck a tower mast, caught fire and crashed 2 km from Tunoshna Airport. Of the 45 on board, 43 died at the scene. One of the two rescued from the wreck, Alexander Galimov, died five days later in hospital  and only the flight engineer Alexander Sizov survived. Investigations of the crash focused on pilot error and technical failures. An investigative committee was set up which examined Yak-Service's records, conditions at the airport, plane wreckage and flight recorder data. Simulations of the plane takeoff were held to compare with recovered flight recorder data. Testing discovered that pilot error was the cause as a braking force was found to have been applied by the chief pilot during takeoff. According to the chief of the investigative commission: "the immediate cause of the Yak-42 plane crash was the plane crew's erroneous actions, namely the pilot stepping on the brake pedals before raising the nose wheel because of the wrong position of the feet on the brake platforms during takeoff." An entire hockey team wiped out in one day, in one moment. It doesn't bear thinking about.

She's definitely a write-off.

On October 8th the music world was rocked once again by news of the death of former Weezer bassist Mikey Welsh. He had been found dead in a hotel room in Chicago, from a suspected drug overdose leading to a heart attack. He had posted less than a fortnight before on his twitter: "dreamt i died in chicago next weekend (heart attack in my sleep). need to write my will today" followed by "correction - the weekend after next". Now there's some creepy prophecy shizz right there. Mikey was 40 years old and he was part of one of my favourite bands of all time for one year, in which time they released an album (The Green Album) which has one of my favourite Weezer songs on it - Island In The Sun. 

I've just noticed he had a leopard print guitar strap on his bass!

This loss is even worse!

Leopard printey... With a hint of Freddy Kreuger...

On the 29th October Sir Jimmy Saville passed away aged 84. He was best known for the long running television series Jim'll Fix It which ran from 1975 to 1994. He was also a well known radio voice, presented Top Of The Pops and a huge advocat for charity. He is estimated to have raised some £40 million for various charities throughout his life. Jimmy was, in my opinion, a British Icon, as famous as Big Ben or the Houses of Parliament. 

Now then, now then...

After that the only death worth mentioning is that of Mutassim Gaddafi and even then only because I mentioned his brother and father up there. 

November hit and on the 3rd we heard of the death of Flattus Maximus, known to his friends and family as Cory Smoot. Flattus Maximus was the the name of a former character and guitarist in the heavy metal band Gwar. Cory wasn't the first person to play Flattus, there have been others before him, but after his death the character was officially retired out of respect for him, which is nice I think. Cory was 34 years old and a medical examiner concluded that he died from "coronary artery thrombosis brought about by his pre-existing coronary artery disease". In his system also was found "cocaine and opiates". The band quit the tour they were on and are still on a break now as they mourn the loss of their friend.

I've woken up looking like this before.

In December Twitter went absolutely insane over reports of the death of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. Twitter was, as usual, correct and Kim Jong had indeed passed away. He was 70 years old and died of a suspected heart attack while on a train on the 17th December. He was batshit mental, looked a bit look my great Nan (at least before she died)  and probably shouldn't have been in charge of an entire country, however I did love him in Team America.

I'm not entirely sure if this photo is of Kim Jong Il

or my great Nan...

So in conclusion, 2011 FULL OF DEATH!!!!!!!!!! Less of that this year 2012 ok? And yes, that also includes the Mayan end of the world prophesy. Lets not do that, eh? There's a good 2012...

To quote Bob Dylan...

The times, they are a-changin'.

Today is Wednesday and Wednesday is the day that the kids go to their dads for the night, so in typical Wednesday fashion we lost the entire morning due to a hunt for a missing shoe (as usual Secondborns left shoe) followed by tantrums from both of them (to be fair Firstborn isn't very well at the moment so I think it was feeling grotty and being hurried along by an irate Mama that did it) and by the time we left the house we were running nearly half an hour late and I wasn't a particularly happy bunny. Now that the Firstborn is walking everywhere we can go the short way to my mums through a side road with one of those metal rail maze things in it that stop cars but allow pedestrians and bikes through if they walk through the maze in the correct way. I could never fit the double buggy through it so we always had to go the long way avoiding that road but now that the Firstborn is walking with me as I push Secondborn in the single buggy it's much easier and we fit. Anyway, the route we take from the house to my mums goes through a park and we like to take our time and spot squirrels and dogs and birds and all kinds of things that get the kids excited and make me laugh and naturally, as it's such a lovely walk, I return home the same way once the kids are at my mums waiting to be picked up by their father. And I take my time, I spot squirrels and I spot dogs and I smile at the birds chattering in the trees and I must look like a right weirdo, a woman with electric pink hair in a biker jacket laughing at the trees... But I do it because the moment I say goodbye to the kids I am overwhelmed with this crushing sense of being more incomplete than I usually feel. But anyway, today is Wednesday and today I walked through the park smiling at the animals as usual. Until I passed this school kid in full uniform, aged no more than about 14 years old, having a conversation on her mobile phone which went something like this:
"No mum, no, yeah I ran out of school... No, I'm in the park now. I'm hiding mum, the police are after me so I'm hiding in [name of park] park from 'em now. Yeah I'll be home later. I dunno, summink and chips..."
And that's where the conversation faded as I had walked past her. I was just thinking to myself "back in my day we had to hide in the park from our teachers during lunch break..." when she suddenly legged it past me. I stepped sideways off the path just as a police officer ran past me in pursuit of this kid, followed by 2 more. As they reached the fenced off Bowls Green area of the park, they had caught up with this kid, unable to pin her to the ground (because lets face it, 3 burly male police officers pinning a 14 year old girl to the ground is never going to look good) they had cornered her against the railings of the green and were trying to protect themselves from her furious swipes and punches. I mean seriously, this kid was hulking out. As I walked past them one of the officers was on his radio calling for backup. Back up for a 14 year old girl. So I wandered on home wondering what she had done in order to need this much police attention at 1:45pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I got to thinking. I hate starting sentences with "back in my day..." because it makes me feel like I belong in either a Hovis or Worthers Original advert from the 90's where I play the part of an elderly Yorkshire born man in a flat cap with a walking stick and carpet slippers but honestly, back in my day things like that just didn't happen. We hid in the park from our teachers during lunch break because one of us had a lunchtime detention that they skived, usually for talking in class. And if we saw a police officer we were polite and helpful because that is the way we were raised to be. We never ran out of school during lessons, (I remember vaguely walking out of a history lesson once and sitting in the library for 20 minutes before returning and apologising but I would never have dreamed of leaving the school premises... My mother would have KILLED me!)  We certainly never did anything that would have meant that we needed to run from the law! I mean, maybe times have changed, it's been 11 years since I left school, maybe things have changed in the way kids are being brought up or taught at school or something or maybe this kid is just an exception (although it was nice of her to let her mum know where she was and what was going on, although I doubt she got those chips for dinner in the end) but I have been genuinely been left with deep sense of unease. Is it the norm these days to have school kids arrested? Is it something I should expect from my kids or is there a chance that I could possibly be able to raise them to behave better? Is it something I should work on or should I worry about what they're being taught at school? Taught by peers and friends? TV and movies? Music and games? Is involvement with the police really the big deal these days that it used to be when I was a kid? I have no idea why but I panic whenever I see a police officer, it's a deep seated fear that I've had since I was a child and I wonder if either I've been brainwashed into fearing authority or that kids these days are simply desensitised to everything, more than we previously suspected...

Either way, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with what I saw today and I'm not happy that I'm now worried that my kids will turn out to be juvenile delinquents (who will cause me to worry so much that my hair turns prematurely grey) through no fault of my own. If it's simply a case of bad parenting then hallelujah I'll be happy working to make sure I do the best I can to ensure that my kids grow up to be honest, hard working, productive members of society, but if it's something new - something developing in the minds of the human race as we as a species evolve, then how the hell am I going to fight that?!

The travel segment.

Hello children. Today I'd like to talk to you all about public transportation. Thrilling I know, please contain your excitement until after the class is finished, we can have a little Q&A after this talk so please refrain from asking questions until after I am finished.

I like trains. Not in a weird thermos, anorak and notepad kind of way but in a "huh, I'm on a train and I'm going somewhere different to where I was half an hour ago" kind of way. I like trains. They go fast, they get you to places, they're a pretty comfortable ride and they often go past fields and stuff giving you something to look at during the journey. I've been on the train a lot recently (by which I mean 3 trips to somewhere and back again, so 6 train rides in total) and everytime I do it I get all excited because I genuinely enjoy being on a train. Recently we've been introduced to the concept of a high speed train service in this little corner of darkest Kent and you can imagine my excitement when I finally got to go on one of them. (it was something along the lines of "oh cool... it's blue. And clean.") I was very impressed when it got me to St Pancras in London from my home town in a little over 90 minutes knocking an entire 10 minutes off of the original journey time. Oh I scoffed at the ways of the past, an hour and forty minutes to get there? I've just made it in an hour and a half! Oh you silly fools and your ancient ways of travel I thought to myself. I had tried saying it outloud but I was only rewarded with funny looks and mothers trying inconspicuously to remove their children from my general vicinity. So a whole 10 minutes knocked off the journey time eh? I thought I should investigate this further. Upon sitting on the train for the second journey I waited patiently for the whistle that signifies that the train can safely leave the platform and began my preparations. (I turned my ipod on and chose a play list) soon enough the train left the station and we began our journey north towards the bright lights of Londonium, City Of Dreams. Within a short time it became apparent to me that the train wasn't actually going all that fast. I could still see hedges and sheep passing me by. I had hoped that all I would see would be a green and white blur as sheep and hedges merged into one as the train shot by at terrifying speed but alas, this was not the case. The train was going the same speed as every other train in the country. The name "high speed train service" was a lie! However, 10 minutes off the original journey... Something had to be going on, so I set about investigating further in order to come to the conclusion of this mystery. As I arrived at St Pancras and began my fast march towards the underground for the remainder of my journey, my mind was ablaze with ideas. The train hadn't been going any faster that usual, I was sure of it. I was fairly certain that it had been in constant contact with the rail tracks themselves for the entire journey, so a team of super-strong train moving angels was out of the question... What could be the cause of this missing 10 minutes? I arrived at my destination and had a thoroughly enjoyable time, all thoughts of trains and 10 minutes completely out of my mind for the duration of my stay until it became time to return once again to my home land. Once on the train from St Pancras to home my thoughts returned. How was I gaining this extra 10 minutes? I had just about decided that it was a mystery I would never know the answer to when all of a sudden it dawned on me. All the while I was watching sheep and hedges slowly pass me by through the window of this "high speed train" I hadn't been noticing the stations! We were passing train stations and not stopping! This must be it, I thought to myself, finally, a clue! I stood up, a face full of excited smiles, beaming at the other passengers as I grabbed hold of this thought process as if my life depended on it. I sat back down again when their glares finally convinced me that this was one mystery that they really weren't all that interested in. I counted all of the stations that we passed. 5 stations. We waited at the stations that we did stop at for around 2 minutes each so if we add 2 minutes on to the journey time for 5 stations, that makes 10 minutes. I finally had it. This was the answer I had been searching for, this was the answer that had taken up so much of my time (3 hours) to figure out! But the train people were still lying! It's not a "high speed service" because it goes at the usual speed, it's only faster because it doesn't bother to stop at certain stations! It's not a high speed service, it's a neglectful service! I wept for the people waiting for this shiny blue train that would never stop for them. I wept for the children that would never feel excitement such as I had felt upon first boarding this beautiful work of craftsmanship. I wept and I wept but as a strong independent short person I wouldn't show those tears. I would brave it out. As I exited the train at the end of my journey I turned back and gave a brave smile. I had been tricked, I had been fooled and I was heartbroken to discover the truth. But oh... I could never hate you shiny clean blue train. You still get me to where I need to go, even if you do insist on doing it dishonestly. I love you shiny blue clean train, I love you so much it makes me ache inside. Please never leave me.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Another rant

You know what really pisses me off? Smug parents. Mothers (and to a lesser extent fathers) who bombard you with parenting "tips" whether you want them or not. These parents are the ones who discuss childrens television shows based on it's educational content as oposed to it's entertainment content, they force recipes that they spent 4 hours researching and another 6 hours working out how much salt is in it down your throat, they're the ones who watch you interact with your kids and then approach you with a "hey, I saw you just then, why don't you try [insert some puritanical idealistic idea that'll never work for you here] you might find it will make things a lot easier, ho ho ho!"


Seriously. The next time someone comes up to me when I'm in the park with my kids and suggests I start picking up every leaf and twig I find on the ground because "the kids might like to play with them, they come in handy for so many things you know..." I'm actually going to swing for them. I'm not kidding. Honestly, who wouldn't look like a weirdo scouring the dog-shit covered park floor for dead leaves and shoving them frantically into their pockets while some children, presumably theirs, run around in the aforementioned dog-shit without looking where they're going?? I'm sorry but I love my kids, but not THAT much. If they want leaves then they can go into the bloody garden and get them themselves.

These smug parents are also the ones who will chatter on for 2 hours about how they only buy organic food these days because little Tarquin deserves superior foods... Now I'm sorry, but I'm a mum of two. One is 2 years old (going on 13) and the other is 7 months. The 7 month old is crawling and pulling himself up into a standing position on EVERYTHING whether it's stable or not and I just don't have 4 hours to spend scouring my home town for superior organic foods and, come to that, neither do I have the 5 hours spare it takes to prepare a 4 course organic meal. If I'm tired/busy I will make the boys beans on toast for dinner. They don't care, it's warm, it's filling and it tastes good, as long as they're eating they don't care what it is! I don't do it every day, I prefer them to have a balanced meal but sometimes I'm so rushed off my feet that I don't get to sit down until after they've gone to bed. I write this blog during their naptimes, in between doing the washing, the dishes and general tidying up because by 8pm my brain has stopped working and I'm running on adrenaline and auto pilot.

I have nothing against the type of parent thats organised and can somehow juggle a perfectly tidy house, fantastic meals and wonderful children, but I'm not like that and I don't need little "tips" about how to do it shoved down my throat. I live in perpetual mess, I eat beans on toast and my toddler ocassionally says the F word if he thinks I'm not listening and can't tell him off, but honestly, I like it this way!

Do you know what makes me angry?

I mean really REALLY seethingly pissed off? Makes me sick to my stomach? American remakes of british television shows.

Yeah you read that properly.

I've just read that there's a possibility of  Misfits being remade for american audiences and it makes me want to cry, throw up and punch a random american person. Not necessarily in that order. Misfits is one of my favourite shows at the moment, not only is it (in my mind) named after one of my favourite bands, but it's about a group of, for want of a better word, chavs. Yeah chav culture annoys me but these chavs have character depth which is more than the ones I actually know have. Anyway, these chavs are all on community service when they get hit by a storm and get super powers. Lets see what wikepedia has to say about it...

"Misfits follows five early-20s delinquents on community service in Wertham who are caught outside during a thunder storm and acquire special powers. Kelly gains the ability to read the thoughts of others, Curtis can rewind time when experiencing an immense sense of regret, Alisha sends people into a sexual frenzy when they touch her skin, and Simon can become invisible. Seemingly left unaffected is smart alec Nathan who, in the final episode of the first series, discovers he is immortal."

Yeah that about sums it up.  It's an awesome show and the one liners and over-blown yet seemingly plausible sitations always have me on the edge of my seat with my hands over my mouth stiffling down giggles or shock. The episode I watched last night had me almost in tears for example. Britiain doesn't have a lot going for it anymore, most of the world can see what a hellhole it's turning into, especially the way it's becoming a police state, yet the one thing that shines out like a beacon is british writing, especially on shows like this. Brits have a way of creating characters that the audience can really identify with. We can understand how they feel when an undesirable situation comes along, we can laugh with them and we cry with them.

Misfits isn't the only show that may be getting a makeover however. Another british classic Being Human is apparently being remade, this show, about a ghost, a vampire (the good old fashion blood drinking murderous kind, not the shiny emo fairy kind) and a werewolf are all trying to live normal lives in suburbia without being discovered, is another example of fantastic british writing. I have followed this show since the begining and I am eagerly awaiting the 3rd series, especially after the ending of the 2nd. Both of these shows, if done right, could be a hit in america and possibly be more successful than they have been over here, however if done wrong, they could end up like the remake of Life On Mars, which apparently bombed abysmally. To be honest I was thrilled when it didn't work, the entire concept of Life on Mars was far too british to ever succeed. We seem to forget that although we speak the same language and we share a lot of the same brands, America and Britain are two very different places with very different cultures and writing a story about a chav with superpowers may not be understood over there as it is over here, thats not to say that the americans wont get it or that they're not smart, I'm just saying that a chav is a british invention and we understand entirely what they are and how they behave. I just don't think that it will carry over well. The failing that Life On Mars had was that it was also too british. The character of Gene Hunt, for example, was a typical mancunian 70's copper. In the first series it's shown how he takes bribes, drinks on the job and isn't afraid of "roughing up" a suspect for information. His character changes throughout Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes (the final 3 series which were set in the 80's) and he stops taking bribes, stops drinking on the job... you see the other side of him and you see his insecurities and you (particularly if you're female) fall a little bit in love with him. This is a fantastic example of british writing at it's best. The show didn't go over well in america because they have a different kind of law enforcement over there. To use more shows as an example, where we had The Sweeney, they had Starskey and Hutch. Very different.

Ocasionally you'll get a british show remade for american audiences that turns out to be a hit. The Office was never that popular over here but it seems to have really taken off over in the states and the few bits I've seen with Steve Carrel in it have actually been quite amusing. However office humour IS something that can be carried over, chav culture and old fashion policing however, cannot. I am also worrying about another show that I love, The Inbetweeners.

The Inbetweeners follows the life of posh teenager Will, and three of his non-posh friends, Simon, Jay and Neil, as they learn (by experience mostly) about actions and consequences, life and love. It's cringe making, it's uncomfortable and it's funny as hell. I'm having trouble working out how that can be taken over the pond without losing any of it's core Inbetweeners-ness.

I know I should be optimistic about these shows being remade for America but it just gets to me that they have to be remade at all! I mean surely America has enough tv shows to be getting on with, they don't need any of ours! They don't need to keep remaking everything as it comes out for us, they grabbed and destroyed good films like Death At A Funeral and Let The Right One In and there was no need to. Let The Right One In was a 2008/2009 film and didn't need to be remade so quickly. I mean yeah ok, it had subtitles but surely thats not a bad thing?

In my opinion these shows should be shown in America as they are. No remakes. If we can get the american sense of humour (Friends, Big Bang Theory, My Name Is Earl...) then surely they can get our sense of humour? By remaking everything it makes us assume that americans are stupid, dumb or worse. It does no favours to anyone. I know that the majority of America is intelligent, I know that they're not all god fearing hillbillies who cant hold down jobs and sit on the lawn all day eating alligator meat and polishing their shotguns. I know this, but the current craze of remaking every damned film or tv show that Britian or even Europe makes is starting to make me doubt what I know. So come on america, prove me wrong.

And now I have one thing left to say.


America, keep your hands off my television.