Monday, 3 November 2014

An Open Letter To My Ex.

I don't really know how to start this. I've got so much to say but I don't know how to begin. I don't want to rant and rage. I've done that already. I don't want to cry. I've done that already. And honestly, I'm past it all. I waited til now to write this post because I had to gather the strength. I had to be over us. 

A lot has happened in the year since I saw you last. I spent nearly a year fixing myself before even considering getting involved with anyone else. Some of that year was spent in therapy. I needed therapy after you. My doctor tells me I have post traumatic stress disorder. It's not all from you, other events have taken their toll, but you cover the majority of it. I know there's a part of you that's secretly pleased that you still have an effect on me. And that's ok. Because you do and you always will but not just in that way. Not in the way you think.

You see I discovered something in the year since you broke my heart, my bank account and my trust in humanity. I discovered that I actually like myself. Took me a while. I mean for 3 years I had the constant feeling of not being good enough. Your efforts saw to that. It kept me in my place. But my god I am actually pretty damned awesome. I mean seriously, I've got friends who call me a legend when talking about me to other people. I've been called the nicest person you could ever meet. I am regularly told that I am awesome. And it's all because I discovered that I am a no-drama, honest, laid back, accepting kinda gal. The complete opposite of what you turned me into. I still have abandonment issues. I still have trouble committing to anything because I'm terrified of losing anything I commit to. But I can finally see why people love and respect me and want to be around me. I'm still having trouble believing that anyone can find me attractive but one step at a time, eh. 

You destroyed me. You broke my spirit. You crushed any sense of self worth I ever had. You ground me down so much that I still panic if I say something a little bluntly, I worry that anyone could snap at the tiniest thing and start on me out of nowhere. Like you did. I am terrified of arguing with anyone over anything and I feel the need to prove everything I ever say to anyone and provide evidence of wherever I'm going. But you have not beaten me. I may be broken but I am no longer destroyed. 

I realised a little while back that I was always going to love you. 
But that's ok. Because it's not YOU I am always going to be in love with. It's the persona you projected. The lies you concocted. The idea of you rather than the actual you. Once I learned to separate that from the physical you, healing myself because so much easier.
It's like a person suit and believe me, it fits much more than just one person. 
All I had to do was wait for someone who measured up to the idea that I was in love with to come along, and you could be replaced with a much better model just like that. That's the thing with pretending to be someone else, I guess. So easy to replace if you're not real. 

This is how you'll always have an effect on me. You will always be the biggest fuck up of my life. But a fuck up I came back from, with dignity, style and poise. 

I spent a year healing myself. I learned to love myself. I learned to be a better parent. Better friend. Better daughter. Better person. I took everything I learned from being with you, and I decided that it definitely wasn't anything I wanted in my life anymore. Being convinced that you're no better than dirt isn't any good for anyone. It destroys a soul. 

I've got a long way to go yet. I'm still jumpy, I still have irrational fears and worries, I'm still terrified of being left. But I know now that I can cope if I am. Because I had to. I still have trust issues. But they are slowly resolving themselves. 

Basically, I just want you to know that you lost. I won. I am so much stronger than you ever gave me credit for. I was broken but now I am almost completely fixed. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with my own company and I know that I have an amazing support network. My friends and family and the beginnings of a new relationship. 

This time last year, everything was starting to go wrong. I was so scared. It was dark, I was alone, I was desperately ill and I was terrified. 
I have come such a long way since then and I did it despite of you. 

At the end of the day, I am Luna. And Luna is unstoppable.