Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines Hints.

So I've been single for a few weeks now. That's actually an understatement but I'm trying not to dwell on how pathetically unloved I am. But in this time I have been dipping my toe into the dating pool so to speak and it's been fairly successful. I have learned a few things about myself, about other people and about how the world works and so today, dear reader, I give you a valentines gift. What with it being Valentines Day today and all (because lets face it, a Valentines post in the middle of July would have been weird.) Today, I present to you...

Luna's Guaranteed To Work Flirting Techniques.

Don't thank me now. Thank me later when you're elbow deep in whatever genitalia you happen to prefer.
You're welcome.

These flirting techniques have been proven (by me so you know they're good) to work on anyone and anything. Trust me. I could seduce a tree I'm just that good. I wouldn't, but I could.

Now you've arranged to meet someone for a drink. This is good. It's the first step to meeting people (the actual meeting people I mean.) It's a social thing, and it's normal. Lots of people meet for drinks and with any luck, you've managed to get this meeting without coming across as too weird or creepy. Well done you. So you're in the pub and the person you have arranged this date with is there too. So far things are going amazingly. You're there, they're there - there are so many there's there it's unreal. How do you go from the "Getting to know you" chat to the "I would like to know you intimately" chat? By following this handy step by step guide my friend!

Step one: Inform your date that you require lubrication.
Don't worry, they will know that you mean you're thirsty. It won't sound weird, everyone knows that if you're in a pub, lubrication is slang for beverage. Say in a loud and clear voice "[Name of date] I require lubrication." and march off to the bar. If you're going dutch then buy your own drink. If not then sort out who's paying and acquire said beverage. At this point, your date will be falling over themselves to find out more about you. Don't hold back. Go to step two.

Step two: Inform your date about your bowel movements.
It may sound odd but go with me here. Everyone likes regular bowel movements. Not a lot of people notice when they are regular but everyone notices when they are irregular. If you have regular (normal) bowel movements and you know this, then mention it. Because it shows that you are the kind of person that pays attention to the little things. Your date will appreciate your attention to detail and will automatically think that you will pay attention to their needs and wants almost psychically. This is good. Because everyone wants a psychic lover. Seriously. I don't know how many times I've been in bed with someone and I've been thinking "left a bit... left a bit... lower..." and they haven't picked up on my thoughts. Psychic lovers will know where your sweet spots are without you having to say anything and that makes the whole sex thing a lot easier in my opinion.
However. If you are not regular, if you suffer from some sort of stomach or intestinal disorder then inform your date of this anyway. They need to know what they're letting themselves in for if they pursue the course of action of dating you.

Step three: Reel off every single fact about yourself as quickly as you can without stopping to breathe.
Your date will be so impressed by your memory and all of the interesting things you've just told them, that they will literally swoon. Hold nothing back. Tell them about your prized collection of celebrity toe nail clippings. Tell them about your cat tapestry hobby. Tell them about the time in school when you had to have a recorder removed from your left nostril by a trained medical professional. These are all interesting factoids and people deserve to know them.
By now your date will be looking uncomfortable and/or nervous. This is good. It means that they want to sleep with you so much that they literally don't know what to do with themselves. Now we move on to the final step. This is the most powerful step. And it's really simple. If, by now, you have decided that you would like to see this person again or at least have intercourse with them, you simply go to step four.

Step Four: Say the following words.
"I have night vision goggles and a lot of free time."
Your date will now be making excuses to leave, such things as the cat has been ill and they really need to check on it, or they think they left the cooker on... This is good. This means that they are so aroused by your sheer magnificence that they need to go and be alone for about half an hour or so (if you know what I mean *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*). Offer to walk them home. If they decline, insist. It's the gentle(wo)manly thing to do. And also it means that you will know where they live. Do not accept any offers of coffee though, you don't want to seem like a desperate slut!

As soon as you are alone, send them a text to thank them for a lovely date and ask for a second. If they don't respond within 2 minutes, send it again. Repeat until they reply. This will show that you are eager to see them again because you admire them and who doesn't like being admired?!

So there you go. Guaranteed, never to fail, pulling techniques.
Good luck my friend. Not that you'll need it!