Wednesday, 25 July 2012

10 Reasons Why Werewolves Are Cooler Than Vampires.

Yes, the last 2 posts were dull and boring and personal and no-one needs to know about my private shit, so back to what this blog is meant to be about - My random thought processes. So here you have it...

10 Reasons Why Werewolves Are Cooler Than Vampires.

10: Werewolves aren't dead.
I don't know if it's just me personally or whether others may agree with me on this but the whole idea of dying is fucking scary. It's not the death part or whatever happens afterwards that freaks me out, it's the idea of dying painfully that scares me. I think that's part of the reason behind my incredibly irrational phobia of zombies. Don't get me wrong, zombies are cool and stuff, but they are walking corpses and if they catch you, they will tear you limb from limb and wear your intestines like a headband. Although I've been past some pubs where the regulars would probably do the same thing if you paid them enough, I'm fairly certain those types of bars only offer service to a very particular type of clientele and I very much doubt that it's the walking undead. Vampires are also dead. Folklore states that in order to be turned into a vampire (or zombie) you must first be killed in order for the transition to happen. Both instances (vampire and zombie) involve being bitten and that ain't my bag. Biting in small doses can be alright if you're into that kinda thing (see how I'm not mentioning whether I am or whether I am not? Less personal! See?) however I think I would draw the line when blood started leaking. Seriously, I once sliced my finger open with a pizza knife and I still can't look at it in the same way anymore. I refer to it as "Ah, my arch nemesis. We meet again." so bitten so hard that you start gushing blood = bad. Dying = bad. Both together = painful death. No. No. No. It' just ain't happening. According to folklore all it takes to become a werewolf is a scratch during the full moon. Of course it's only by chance that you would get scratched and not completely maimed and disfigured and killed, however if you get scratched, you got away without dying and you don't have to die for the transition to take place. You can happily stick a plaster over the wound (and some antiseptic cream, you don't want it to get infected now) and carry on for another 28 days until the full moon hits and you turn into a howling hairy animal intent on killing as many chickens as you can find in the only rural areas surrounding your city.

09: Werewolves are scarier than vampires.
Ok, so I'm going to have some people disagreeing with me on this one, but these are my opinions, so if you want to start a fight you can just go away and pick on someone who isn't possibly PMTing all over the place. I don't like big dogs. Big dogs scare me. Their barks and their growls are intimidating and if I see one when I'm out with the kids, I will cross the road from it. Folklore states that vampires can hypnotise humans into being their slaves and whatnot, that's pretty scary, I'll admit. No-one wants the loss of free will and/or being fully in control of their actions. Vampires are also supposed to be able to lift ten times their own weight and have lightening quick reflexes. Even Bruce Lee would be hard pressed to keep up with one. And that's all very well and good, but I refuse to be intimidated by someone in victorian evening dress when there's a fucking great big dog with saliva dripping from his massive fucking razor sharp canines to be scared of. Vampires might be better at fighting, but they aren't better at appearing scary. I'd rather try to fight off a vampire any time. Although to be fair, if faced with a werewolf I would be trying to get scratched, but that's possibly more to do with me being a bit of a simpleton than anything else.

08: Werewolves can go out in the sun.
Seriously. Sunlight? Jesus christ, vampires. I hate using the word gay in a derogatory way because... Well, I don't really distinguish between the genders all that much and if it wasn't for my rather lovely boyfriend I would probably be gay right now. After the last boyfriend anyways... Buuuuut getting back on track, I don't like to use the word gay in a derogatory way however not being able to go out in the day light is pretty gay. I mean, I don't know how it works in other countries, but over here it would be a bit of a shitter. Think about it. Your only choice is to go out after dark, lest you succumb to very painful, very final death. So you're waiting in your little coffin (it's very cosy, you have a drinks holder and an ipod charger and everything) and then your phone alarm goes off to tell you that it's past sun down (or you might feel it somehow, I don't know. I don't know how this shit works) and so you figure you'll go out and buy yourself a pretty dress. Your only options in the middle of the night are Tescos and Asda's and they close at 10pm and 4pm on the weekends. Not to mention bank holidays.  Eventually you're going to succumb to internet sites and have stuff delivered. However, the postman came at 9:15am on a beautiful sunny July day and you were not available. The package has been taken back to the royal mail sorting office and it's only open between 9am and 2pm. What do you do? You can't ask a neighbour, you're a fucking vampire - you live miles away from civilization! You have to go out one night and hypnotise someone into being your slave and to me, that's just effort. Werewolves are only in wolf form at night, for 3 nights out of the month. They can still go and buy clothes from proper clothing shops like Peacocks.

07: Vampires are stuck in the body they had when they died.
So this means if you're old when you were turned then you're old forever.
Fat when turned = fat forever.
Virgin when turned = virgin forever.
Pure flesh when turned = no tattoo's for you sonny jim!
I am the sort of person that gets bored very easily with what they look like. I am always dying my hair various colours, I have piercings and tattoo's and I plan to get more of each. I like to style my hair differently, I like to wear clothes that make me stand out from the crowd. I could be attention seeking but I'm 28 years old, I'm fairly certain now that this is just the way that I am programmed. It wold personally drive me mad if I got a hair cut and 20 minutes later it was exactly the same as it had been for the last god knows how many decades. Imagine being 57 years old forever. Imagine (if you're a girl) it always hurting like the first time every time you have sex if you were a virgin when you were turned... I mean yeah, vampires have the whole living forever thing and werewolves have an average human life span, but if you're a werewolf and you're overweight, you can just jump on a treadmill. You can go easier on the red meat. You can lose that weight and you can get a hair cut and look fabulous for it all. If you're a vampire you are stuck as you are and you cannot change a goddamned thing and to me, that would suck more than dying in the first place did.

06: One for the girls.
I'm a girl. I have lady problems. Every month. And I hate it. I hate it so much because for 3 days out of the month I want to lay down and die and for the other 2 or 3 I want to punch someone in the face. With a brick in my hand. And the entire time I am craving chocolate and that is NOT helping me with the weight loss thing. Besides that I also have water retention, incredibly epic moodswings and what looks like a crime scene in my pants every hour or so. It's not fun. And believe me, if I had the chance of growing fangs, fur and 4 extra nipples every month instead of what I currently go through, I would choose that one in a heart beat. Believe me, if you're a guy, you have no idea how lucky you are. You utter utter bastard. As far as I'm aware vampires don't have this problem either, however every meal involves bloody mess of some form and I'm lazy and I hate cleaning.

05: Blood rage.
Werewolves don't get this. Vampires get the blood rage if they let their hunger build up apparently. According to folk lore entire villages have been decimated in one night by a vampire in an attempt to satiate his/her intense hunger. Werewolves are vicious, bloody killers, but they do it because they are animals. They become wolves and so they act like wolves. They can't be held accountable. They just have to take precautions if they don't wish to take any human lives.

04: Garlic.
I love garlic. I mean, I couldn't eat spaghetti bolognese without it. I know that vampires can't eat spaghetti bolognese anyway, but they can't even be in the same room as a clove of garlic. That's a bit weird honestly. I mean come on - onions don't have the same affect do they? Shallots? "Aha Dracula, my house is safe for it is guarded by the mighty LEEK!!!!!!!!"

Yeah I don't think so.

03: Detection.
As I've already stated up there, night time living can be a bit of a bugger in this country and unless you're a nurse or a cleaner there aren't a lot of jobs that you can take at night that would mean you could carry off the pretence of being "normal" whatever that is. Sooner or later you're gonna get found out and you'll have to leave the area, your home and whatever material posessions you may have and lay low for 20 years or so. Werewolves don't have this problem. Normal job in the day, remote rural location in the night for the full moon induced transformation. No-one needs to know and if they see it, you can bet your left butt cheek that if they tried telling anyone they'd be laughed at. And then looked at. Through a tiny window. By doctors and medical professionals in the field of psychiatry. As long as you don't kill anyone or draw attention to yourself somehow you can pass yourself off as a naturist or a monthly L.A.R.P player. Trust me, the power we geeks have these days, anything is possible.

02: Physical Improvements.
I'm short sighted. And I am overweight. I also have mild arthritus and next to no upper body strength. According to folklore, all of these problems would go away as the full moon nears. So in the week leading up to the full moon I wouldn't need my glasses, I wouldn't hurt myself just standing up from my chair and I would be able to pick my kids up without groaning "jesus christ you're getting heavy you fat bugger" every time. I'm also incredibly unfit and I exhaust myself just going up the stairs to use the toilet, so being able to run up and down them rather quicker than I currently do it and without wanting to pass out when I reach the top would be nice. As I stated in one of the posts before this one, everything stays the same if you're a vampire, so no improvements besides strength and speed. Personally I'd take being able to actually see stuff 3 feet away over being able to move faster than the speed of light. But thanks anyway.

01: Twishite. (Twilight)
Stephanie Meyer KILLED the idea of what a vampire was supposed to be. She destroyed it and then spat on it's remains. Look lady, the only sparkly creatures that live in forests are fairies ok, not vampires. And I'm sorry, but if I see someone covered in glitter I either assume that they have just emerged from the best strip club ever or that they have been kicked out of the disco era. Either way, it's not cool. Vampires are meant to be blood thirsty killers with no emotions and no morals. Not creepy stalkery undead paedophiles. So well done there, you crazy crazy mormon. The only things, as far as I can see, that have stayed consistent with hundreds of years of folklore were the werewolves. But I can honestly say that I couldn't get through the first film without wanting to bludgeon myself to death and I read the first page of the book before deciding that it would make excellent rizla paper so I really have no idea about whether she decided to change that too. Either way, I now associate vampires with the kids arts and crafts section of my local Wilkinson Plus store and it's all thanks to Stephanie Meyer. Hundreds of years of mythology, millions of different folklores passed down millions of different bloodlines, hundreds of classic novels, all destroyed within one set of books from a brain dead pie lover. Well, kudos to her for what she has achieved (money) and all that she will continue to achieve (more money).

Stephanie Meyer - shine on you crazy diamond.