Monday, 3 November 2014

An Open Letter To My Ex.

I don't really know how to start this. I've got so much to say but I don't know how to begin. I don't want to rant and rage. I've done that already. I don't want to cry. I've done that already. And honestly, I'm past it all. I waited til now to write this post because I had to gather the strength. I had to be over us. 

A lot has happened in the year since I saw you last. I spent nearly a year fixing myself before even considering getting involved with anyone else. Some of that year was spent in therapy. I needed therapy after you. My doctor tells me I have post traumatic stress disorder. It's not all from you, other events have taken their toll, but you cover the majority of it. I know there's a part of you that's secretly pleased that you still have an effect on me. And that's ok. Because you do and you always will but not just in that way. Not in the way you think.

You see I discovered something in the year since you broke my heart, my bank account and my trust in humanity. I discovered that I actually like myself. Took me a while. I mean for 3 years I had the constant feeling of not being good enough. Your efforts saw to that. It kept me in my place. But my god I am actually pretty damned awesome. I mean seriously, I've got friends who call me a legend when talking about me to other people. I've been called the nicest person you could ever meet. I am regularly told that I am awesome. And it's all because I discovered that I am a no-drama, honest, laid back, accepting kinda gal. The complete opposite of what you turned me into. I still have abandonment issues. I still have trouble committing to anything because I'm terrified of losing anything I commit to. But I can finally see why people love and respect me and want to be around me. I'm still having trouble believing that anyone can find me attractive but one step at a time, eh. 

You destroyed me. You broke my spirit. You crushed any sense of self worth I ever had. You ground me down so much that I still panic if I say something a little bluntly, I worry that anyone could snap at the tiniest thing and start on me out of nowhere. Like you did. I am terrified of arguing with anyone over anything and I feel the need to prove everything I ever say to anyone and provide evidence of wherever I'm going. But you have not beaten me. I may be broken but I am no longer destroyed. 

I realised a little while back that I was always going to love you. 
But that's ok. Because it's not YOU I am always going to be in love with. It's the persona you projected. The lies you concocted. The idea of you rather than the actual you. Once I learned to separate that from the physical you, healing myself because so much easier.
It's like a person suit and believe me, it fits much more than just one person. 
All I had to do was wait for someone who measured up to the idea that I was in love with to come along, and you could be replaced with a much better model just like that. That's the thing with pretending to be someone else, I guess. So easy to replace if you're not real. 

This is how you'll always have an effect on me. You will always be the biggest fuck up of my life. But a fuck up I came back from, with dignity, style and poise. 

I spent a year healing myself. I learned to love myself. I learned to be a better parent. Better friend. Better daughter. Better person. I took everything I learned from being with you, and I decided that it definitely wasn't anything I wanted in my life anymore. Being convinced that you're no better than dirt isn't any good for anyone. It destroys a soul. 

I've got a long way to go yet. I'm still jumpy, I still have irrational fears and worries, I'm still terrified of being left. But I know now that I can cope if I am. Because I had to. I still have trust issues. But they are slowly resolving themselves. 

Basically, I just want you to know that you lost. I won. I am so much stronger than you ever gave me credit for. I was broken but now I am almost completely fixed. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with my own company and I know that I have an amazing support network. My friends and family and the beginnings of a new relationship. 

This time last year, everything was starting to go wrong. I was so scared. It was dark, I was alone, I was desperately ill and I was terrified. 
I have come such a long way since then and I did it despite of you. 

At the end of the day, I am Luna. And Luna is unstoppable. 

Thursday, 4 September 2014

The start of a new chapter.

If you ask my family, I don't have a maternal bone in my body. 
If you ask my friends, I'm the mother of the group. 
If you ask me, I agree with the former and argue the latter. 
I'm not a natural born mother. My mothering instinct comes out when my friends need me or if my children are poorly but never at any other time. I've been known to laugh when the children fall over. I've been known to tell them to man up and I've also been known to ignore them when they cry for no apparent reason. In my opinion I am raising self sufficient young men who can look after themselves. I am always there when they need a cuddle, but they have to come to me. I won't go to them no matter how loud they cry. I am always there if they need advice or just someone to talk to. I extend compassion and understanding but I expect them to be able to deal with any situation presented to them.
Except bullying. When my eldest started school last year, he came and told me that a bigger boy was picking on him. 
I swear the office staff at the school started shaking when I stormed in there, children being dragged behind me, and demanded to talk to his teacher. 
Luckily it was all sorted out but I think the staff learned very quickly that although I practice distant parenting, I will protect my children with the ferocity of a mama bear. 
Anyway, as I was saying, being a mother does not come naturally to me. I try hard and I worry about my kids and their welfare, I would move the heavens if I had to, just to help them, but I'm not a very good mother. Which is why days like today are difficult for me. 
My youngest, my 4 year old, started school. 
Last year my eldest started school and though nervous and a bit shakey, I was fine with it. He was ready. He's tall for his age and he's so clever it's unreal. He was ready a long time before he started and honestly, it was a relief to get him out of the house. But this time around... It's so different. My youngest is still a baby. He's short and chunky with chubby cheeks an thighs like a baby, a slight speech impediment which means I sometimes have to translate for him when he talks to people. He's into trains and dinosaurs and not a lot else. He's still a baby. He's not ready for school. 
Except he is. 
It's me who isn't ready. I'm not ready to let go of being by his side all the time and let him into the big scary world. What will happen if he gets bullied?! Well, to be honest, probably nothing. I doubt he'd even notice. It's the older one that's the more sensitive child. The younger one is like a juggernaut. Hurtling through life, oblivious to anything except trains and sandwiches and cuddles. He's so like his mother. 
And so at 8.30 this morning, he stood before me, in his uniform of shirt, tie, smart trousers and shoes and sweatshirt with the schools logo emblazoned on it and I'm not ashamed to say that I nearly cried. I held it in though. He was so excited. He kept jumping up and down and telling passers by that he was going to school. Everyone said what a big boy he was and how adorable he looked. It was like a fucking worthers advert. 
My heart was breaking for the entire trip to school. The firstborn went in through the gates as he has done for a year now. All excited about being in year one now. Secondborn had to go in through the office as he started reception year. 
As he wandered off, holding his teachers hand, a troop of other tiny people following behind him, I saw him look back and give me a massive smile and a tiny wave. He was ready. He was ready and I was not. And my heart was completely and utterly breaking. 
They don't tell you, when you have kids, that no matter how bad you are at being a parent, the emotions are still stronger than anything you've ever felt before. 
I stood there and I watched the third and final piece of my heart walk away from me and towards the big scary world. And I had to trust that it would be safe without me. 
No one warns you that once you've shared a body with a small person, once you've created them and grown them inside you for 9 months, that you will never feel complete without them again. The only time I ever feel right is when they're both cuddled up to me. That's the only time I ever feel complete. 
And now I have to trust that the world won't hurt them yet. Not until they're ready to deal with that. I have to trust that they'll be safe without me. 
And knowing the state of the world, I know that they're not. 
I'm a firm believer in not shying children away from the world, but raising them to improve it. And I'm doing pretty well with the firstborn. He said to me "mama, if I see someone at school crying, I'm going to go and see if they're ok because everybody should have a friend."
He's not even 6 yet. He's not even 6 and he knows compassion. I couldn't have been more proud of him. 
I feel that the Secondborn would know to do that but he wouldn't say it. He'd just go and do it. He's not one to talk about his feelings or motives. 
He's so like his mother. 
Firstborn though... He's so empathetic I wonder where he gets it. Certainly not from me. 
I marvel at these little people, each and every day. 
I don't have a maternal instinct. I lack the capacity to be a soft and caring mother. But that doesn't mean that I can't raise empathetic and caring young men. 
And as I watch them make their way into the big scary world, I can see them shining a little more light and kindness into it and I can't help but feel both heartbroken and joyful that they're doing it without me, and that they're doing it at all. 

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines Hints.

So I've been single for a few weeks now. That's actually an understatement but I'm trying not to dwell on how pathetically unloved I am. But in this time I have been dipping my toe into the dating pool so to speak and it's been fairly successful. I have learned a few things about myself, about other people and about how the world works and so today, dear reader, I give you a valentines gift. What with it being Valentines Day today and all (because lets face it, a Valentines post in the middle of July would have been weird.) Today, I present to you...

Luna's Guaranteed To Work Flirting Techniques.

Don't thank me now. Thank me later when you're elbow deep in whatever genitalia you happen to prefer.
You're welcome.

These flirting techniques have been proven (by me so you know they're good) to work on anyone and anything. Trust me. I could seduce a tree I'm just that good. I wouldn't, but I could.

Now you've arranged to meet someone for a drink. This is good. It's the first step to meeting people (the actual meeting people I mean.) It's a social thing, and it's normal. Lots of people meet for drinks and with any luck, you've managed to get this meeting without coming across as too weird or creepy. Well done you. So you're in the pub and the person you have arranged this date with is there too. So far things are going amazingly. You're there, they're there - there are so many there's there it's unreal. How do you go from the "Getting to know you" chat to the "I would like to know you intimately" chat? By following this handy step by step guide my friend!

Step one: Inform your date that you require lubrication.
Don't worry, they will know that you mean you're thirsty. It won't sound weird, everyone knows that if you're in a pub, lubrication is slang for beverage. Say in a loud and clear voice "[Name of date] I require lubrication." and march off to the bar. If you're going dutch then buy your own drink. If not then sort out who's paying and acquire said beverage. At this point, your date will be falling over themselves to find out more about you. Don't hold back. Go to step two.

Step two: Inform your date about your bowel movements.
It may sound odd but go with me here. Everyone likes regular bowel movements. Not a lot of people notice when they are regular but everyone notices when they are irregular. If you have regular (normal) bowel movements and you know this, then mention it. Because it shows that you are the kind of person that pays attention to the little things. Your date will appreciate your attention to detail and will automatically think that you will pay attention to their needs and wants almost psychically. This is good. Because everyone wants a psychic lover. Seriously. I don't know how many times I've been in bed with someone and I've been thinking "left a bit... left a bit... lower..." and they haven't picked up on my thoughts. Psychic lovers will know where your sweet spots are without you having to say anything and that makes the whole sex thing a lot easier in my opinion.
However. If you are not regular, if you suffer from some sort of stomach or intestinal disorder then inform your date of this anyway. They need to know what they're letting themselves in for if they pursue the course of action of dating you.

Step three: Reel off every single fact about yourself as quickly as you can without stopping to breathe.
Your date will be so impressed by your memory and all of the interesting things you've just told them, that they will literally swoon. Hold nothing back. Tell them about your prized collection of celebrity toe nail clippings. Tell them about your cat tapestry hobby. Tell them about the time in school when you had to have a recorder removed from your left nostril by a trained medical professional. These are all interesting factoids and people deserve to know them.
By now your date will be looking uncomfortable and/or nervous. This is good. It means that they want to sleep with you so much that they literally don't know what to do with themselves. Now we move on to the final step. This is the most powerful step. And it's really simple. If, by now, you have decided that you would like to see this person again or at least have intercourse with them, you simply go to step four.

Step Four: Say the following words.
"I have night vision goggles and a lot of free time."
Your date will now be making excuses to leave, such things as the cat has been ill and they really need to check on it, or they think they left the cooker on... This is good. This means that they are so aroused by your sheer magnificence that they need to go and be alone for about half an hour or so (if you know what I mean *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*). Offer to walk them home. If they decline, insist. It's the gentle(wo)manly thing to do. And also it means that you will know where they live. Do not accept any offers of coffee though, you don't want to seem like a desperate slut!

As soon as you are alone, send them a text to thank them for a lovely date and ask for a second. If they don't respond within 2 minutes, send it again. Repeat until they reply. This will show that you are eager to see them again because you admire them and who doesn't like being admired?!

So there you go. Guaranteed, never to fail, pulling techniques.
Good luck my friend. Not that you'll need it!